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27 March 2012:

I've quit Twitter.

I remember having around 15000 (or possibly 16000) tweets before I quit on Sunday night.

According to Twitter Birthday, I first created my Twitter on October 2009 (I forgot the exact date). It's been  almost 27 months now. My "godfather" was Ellen DeGeneres (@theellenshow). That meant I first followed Ellen when I created Twitter. Why did I quit?

I talk too much rubbish on Twitter. For a person like me who simply shoots without thinking too often, Twitter seemed to be utopia where I could do exactly that. It's was simple: I typed whatever I had to say, press 'Tweet', and it's on the Internet.

Because of that, I got into trouble once. Thankfully, the matter did not blow up and I learnt how to think using something call 'brain' before embarrassing myself as a brainless buffoon that people secretly ridicule. I'm glad that the matter's resolved, and that things aren't as bad as last time.

Getting back to the point, even if I did not create trouble, I talk too much rubbish. I'm sure that if one were to dig up my 15000+ tweets and analyse them, at least 50% would be random and meaningless. This all wastes time, and I suppose I've wasted lots of it.

Sometimes, I wonder why people bother following me. If I followed someone else that tweets like I do, I suppose I'd unfollow after a while. Come to think of it, how did I have so much crap to tweet? It's also because of this reason that I've completely stopped posting on Facebook. I only check it once a week, mainly because Council uses it to disseminate information.

Also, I rant too much. I suppose then I felt that it was acceptable for people to rant on Twitter. Well, I soon realised otherwise. After seeing others rant on Twitter, I can tell how distasteful others must have felt when I was doing so. (No wonder I lost followers like that.)

I thought that I would have a terrible period of cold turkey. Actually, it's currently better than what I expected. In the past, I used to log on to Facebook the first thing Google Chrome is launched. That stopped after a while. Instead, Twitter became the first tab to be opened. Come to think of it, Twitter's incredibly time-sucking.

I don't know how many minutes (or hours) I've wasted just because I was curious (kaypoh, to put it bluntly) about other people's affairs. For example, if even it was tweets sent between two parties, I would bother to trace their whole conversation. Obviously, that's terribly invasive. (Of course, you can say that since they tweeted it, it isn't too private.) But anyway, this just seems to fuel my kaypohness. Which happens to be one thing I need to change, before more people get irritated by me.

(Thankfully, no one preyed on my kaypohness and pranked me. Like linking a scary picture, knowing I'll read it.)

After going Twitter-less for almost two days, I noticed why I could get 15000+ tweets. It's because I tweet almost everything I think. And, I think of very randomly and weird things. When I read them later (or when people read it back to me), I get embarrassed, cos those tweets are simply random.

"If you've nothing good to say, don't say it." That's exactly what I'm going to do (or have started doing). By quitting Twitter, I'll abstain from posting all sorts of annoying tweets.

Then again, I do worry about losing a communication channel. On Twitter, I do "talk" with quite a few people. For some, I won't be able to do so, since I don't know them in real life. Of course, this is also a sign that I should probably get to know people I'm comfortable with on Twitter in real life. I hope it would work out ...

Before I end ... Twitter gives everyone 30 days before permanently deleting their account. As of now, my account's deactivated. My username is unsearchable, my tweets don't exist in public, but I can still login and activate it again. I don't know if I'll see a need to activate it once again, before 30 days is up.

But if I do, it's a promise there will be less crap from me.

TTFN.


25 March 2012:

This letter is to you, my friend.

How long have we known each other? I would say a decent 5 years, at least. We've had numerous arguments, plenty of fun moments together, and now, I feel that there's a crack between us again.

As of now, it may still be a small crack. It doesn't seem to bother you, if you even noticed it. I noticed it, and I do not want this crack to turn into a fissure that tears our relationship apart.

Truth be told, you're one of the best friends I could ever ask for. Being my friend is challenging: I am unreasonable at times, bossy at times, and lame most of the time. I would understand if you decided to ignore me after a while. You did not, and stayed on by my side.

Technically, you aren't a BFF. (Besides, I don't believe in BFFs.) We do not do everything together. In fact, sometimes we do not see each other for quite a while, sometimes during the holidays. Yet, when we meet each other again, it's as if we never separated at all.

I don't know if you are getting too used to that sense of familiarity until you take it for granted. Or it could simply be that you're trying to leave me now, as what I said above. Maybe, you have had enough of my arsehole attitude.

I am unsure of the reason myself. Of course, I do hope that it's probably just my overreaction, and that you actually are alright with me.

A few things have happened recently. All of it added to the crack that I am alarmed at now. I wonder if you even remember these incidents ...

The first was when I asked you to go watch a performance with me. You stared at me with mild disapproval, and half-jokingly scolded me. Тruth be told, I really wasn't angry or anything yet. I felt that, it was your preference whether or not you would fancy watching a performance. I shouldn't and cannot dictate your actions, so I left it as such. (Although I would prefer that you adopt a much friendlier tone, and not such a gruff one.)

Well, what pulled the trigger, then? It was when I found out you were going to buy tickets. Buy tickets for that same performance that I asked you about. Were you not opposed to it in the first place? What made you change your mind? It turned out to be someone else. You and I both know this person. I immediately felt displaced.

Perhaps, you want to associate more with him, since he has a better personality and all that. I would understand if that's the case. However, why can't you inform me so? How was I supposed to react when I found out you were buying tickets?

Definitely, I was angry. I was very furious, and wanted to confront you adamantly. I felt very indignant, since this was almost humiliation to me. Thankfully, I found out by accident; you were pleasant enough not to do it in front of me.

When you realised that I knew about it, you offered no explanation. I did not see the need to probe anymore, I wanted to let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet. I didn't expect, however, for things to take another downturn.

A few days later, you asked me to buy tickets. It was for another performance. The reason why you were buying tickets was because the same other person was going, and you wanted to as well. I didn't feel too good then. What was this? Why is it that whatever that other person says or does, you would agree and follow? Yet when it came to me, you disregard my feelings and displace me.

I rejected your offer. It was done not to spite you, since you rejected me the first time. It was because (1) I was unable to fork out anymore money to buy tickets; (2) I was unable to go at that time (and it was only one performance); (3) I do not really appreciate that particular genre of art, although I have nothing against it, and people performing it.

This more or less ends the first incident. By this time, I was rather unhappy with you. I am clear that there is a natural reaction to disapprove everything someone does if you dislike him / her, but vice versa. I did not want things to deteriorate until it hit this stage, where I would wreck the relationship further with my cynicism.

Along came the second incident. On that day, I genuinely forgot to ask you to have lunch together, as I would always do. You called me, and we agreed to meet up and eat together after we bought our food. I felt guilty, and specially asked T to reserve a table (since he got his food already) and we could sit together.

However, you were nowhere to be seen after that; it turns out that because of what your lunch partner said, you decided to disregard T and I. I do not have any issues with your partner, in fact I feel that he is an excellent guy that everyone should emulate. What I was unhappy about was that you simply left us out on the remark of what he said.

To pursue further, I also find it funny that you did not even bother to call for us to go over. I should think that was perfectly fine, since the four of us know each other, and there would be no problem. Yet, you did not do so.

In the end, you came over alone, leaving the guy with his other friends. You originally insisted that we should go over (after we called to check where you were), because you wanted to get to know other people that he was mutual friends with. This made me feel all the more certain that I am probably not fit to be with you in your eyes, and you were starting to broaden your social circle.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not asking you to be unsocial and forever stay with me. It would not be correct to do as a friend, and I definitely can't establish control over you. I just do not like the fact that you listen to everything he says, and disregard my (and sometimes other people's ) feelings at the same time. I do not require you to side me forever, but a consensus could be made, couldn't it?

... Our relationship has been getting from bad to worse. I do admit that I did something very bad to you once, and I apologise for that. I understand that you were very flustered and worried about that incident, and  it was really wrong of me to do what I did. I was having a mood swing at that time; there were terrible, terrible thoughts that came to me. I did not bother to call you, because I was afraid of anything that could sour the relationship. I wanted to be alone then.

You were very upset with me, and came to talk to me about it. I was still not very calm then, and more or less ignored you then. Although you forgave me very benevolently, I knew that this was one wound dealt to the body of our relationship, just like how the two incidents previously contributed.

At this point, I am at a loss of what to do. I suppose for you, it's probably not much of a big deal. You have many friends. Your personality's very good, and I'm sure many people would certainly be with you willingly. I've come to realise and accept that there are some people that are like you, and some that are like me. You have a flock of friends at your fingertips, and you can easily socialise with people.

Unlike you, I am not so skilled at this. To a certain extent, I am unsocial. This, in the current times now, is no doubtedly foolish of me. I am unable to get a response from people when I require one; I am the kind of person that has to become a follower only.

I am resigned to that. Let's not talk about personality flaws first, shall we? It's of course easy to realise that perhaps if I was less of an arsehole, I would be something like you.

The current situation is as such. Our friendship is hanging by a thin thread. All it takes is a slight incident to slice the thread, and a friendship of more than 5 years would be badly damaged, and possibly ruined soon after.

Personally, I feel that I have tried. Maybe, I am not trying hard enough. Maybe, from your point of view, I was the one being a jerk all this while, and I do not have the right to cause such a fuss. Frankly speaking, I do not know. We do not communicate as much now, it's sad, it really is. We still talk, but it is not like the past. Our topics are becoming awkward and rigid, there is a funny, different atmosphere hovering above the both of us now. No doubt, I have to shoulder a portion of responsibility. Instead, of talking and discussing with you face to face, here I am typing all of it into some space online, with possibly no one to read it.

I am really afraid now. I am in something like a crisis mode, where I have totally no idea of what I should next do. The situation's such that any thing could ignite a terrible blow between the both of us.

... That's about all I have to say, my friend. I know the chances of you reading this is infinitesimal, and typing all this here would not help anything at all. I shall use a very childish and immature response: stick my head into the sand, and see what happens. If things work out, that will definitely be good. If they do not, never mind. I'll find someone like you, my friend. But that would be with great regret, you are assured.


19 March 2012:

本來我是想寫東西的,最近蠻多東西要傾訴。

可是時間好晚,我不能在晚睡啦。


14 March 2012:

令人討厭的8件事

我最近下載了一個app,講說如何搞好人際關係。

因為坦白說,我知道自己的人際關係不好。

App裡頭提到哪8件事另人對你產生討厭。

我發覺,自己幾乎所有8件都有犯到。難怪啦難怪。

一、經常向人訴苦
沒錯,我常向人訴苦,而且有時都不知道對方已經相當不屑了。

二、非常嘮叨
這應該是我的致命傷吧。因為我根本不知道什麽算過於嘮叨,直到有人告訴我。現在回想,的確我在某些方面太羅嗦,太執著。該放下的就放下,這個道理我爲什麽不能實踐呢。

三、態度過分嚴肅
好些人都說了。我對這個也非常苦惱。我覺得自己還好,可別人不這麼認為。怎麼辦呢?

四、言語單調
這個,比較不會呀

五、缺乏投入感
如果我認為一件事不值得做、不應該做,我不會做。這。。。算有原則,還是固執呢?

六、反應過敏
的確,有時人們說的一些玩笑話我會當真,把自己搞不爽。不應該繼續了。

七、以自我為中心
這個難以定論。

八、過分熱衷于取得別人好感
。。。也比較難以定論。

總結一下,六個裡頭(七、八不算)我中五個。

So I can't blame anyone for such lousy relationships.

當然我不想維持現狀。所以我想改。我決定十分留意自己的言談舉止,並且克制自己做出令人討厭的行為。只許成功。


10 March 2012:

Common tests are over!

That's what an optimist says; the pessimist would frown and say it's getting closer to prelims and O Level.

But anyway, that's not what I'm writing for. I'm really writing to celebrate the end of common tests.

The past week has been a stressful one for me. It seemed to be the worst week of 2012 thus far. There were many issues, and I was very moody for almost the whole week, except yesterday, where I was visibly happier.

On a side note, XY asked me why I was so emo, when at the point she was referring to a moment when I was feeling happy. Hmm. Has Monday to Thursday's moodiness tinged my happiness on Friday?

What I felt for the subjects:

Chinese - the most disappointing and depressing paper I've ever done since primary school. And I am by no means kidding or exaggerating. This was the first paper in 9+ years of doing the subject that I am unable to complete in time. By right, Sec 4 is when you are supposed to not have such scenarios anymore, since you're supposed to be very familiar and tuned to how to tackle the paper. Yet, this was not the case. Obviously something was wrong with my time management. On Friday our scores were shown. I scored an A1, but comparatively, I was one of the lowest in class. The teacher said previously that anything below 80 is a fail. I failed, according to his definition. He wasn't being over-harsh on us, considering that so many people could achieve way above 80, the highest in my class getting 90. In this case, it's my damn problem that I somehow can't score that well.

Social Studies - I hope I did not disappoint Ms K. I really tried hard to remember her steps on how to do reliability questions. I asked Mr Y yesterday if he had any idea of how I did, but he hasn't marked the papers yet. But from what he told me, I may not get high scores again, cos I don't think I analysed the sources properly. Which is really a bother, since I felt that this time I actually improved. Let's hope that it comes true.

EMaths - I personally felt EMaths was alright; the paper wasn't difficult. (Of course there were one or two questions that I know I'm wrong.) I'm only scared that I could have made careless mistakes, or that my presentation would be penalised. EMaths is so much more anal on presentation that AMaths. Which goes to show one of the reasons why I like AMaths more.

AMaths - this subject gave me a big shock the day before. I was doing the revision paper, and I ended up getting almost every question wrong. I'm not trying to praise myself here, but I normally am rather comfortable with AMaths. For 90% of the questions, I roughly know what to do the moment I see it. But for the questions on the worksheet, I was clueless as to how to start. It gave me such a shock, since the paper is on the next day, and here I am panicking in despair. I had to ask Mrs P to explain how to even start a question three times, which is horrendous. I previously asked her how to continue when I got stuck, but not things like how to start. I wanted to reserve the night for revising EHistory, but ended up using it for AMaths since I got such a rude shock. Oh and the bad thing about me doing Maths is that, if I were to get more than three questions wrong and panic sets in, I'm as good as gone. I would do weird methods, or start getting careless mistakes. It's something that I haven't been able to solve till now. Which was what affected me during the real paper. I was so afraid that the whole panic scenario would occur during the paper, until I got overly cautious. I remember doing a simple differentiation at least 4 times with basic rule, product rule, just to make sure I didn't get it wrong. Normally I would have spent less than 1 minute doing it, and breezed on. I couldn't complete the paper on time, because I was careless and had to spend more time correcting the mistake. Oh well.

Thanks to JQ and R for encouraging me when I posted a distress signal on Twitter. 

EHistory - as mentioned above, I was supposed to revise it the night before. Thankfully, I already started War in Europe during the weekend, so I only had War in Asia-Pacific. I decided to use the two periods before AMaths to read up on WiAP. Thankfully, WiAP was only used in SBQ, so it wasn't that tragic for me. But it was such a pity for SEQ, since the question that came out was the one that Mr Y let us do during class. And, admittedly, it was the only EHistory piece of homework I've done since last year (if I'm not wrong). So thankfully I did the assignment, since I was able to link more or less successfully. This was a rather good sign to me, since I was always struggling with links and explanations, and it brought some confidence to me. Sadly, because I was so overwhelmed by excitement at getting almost the same question, I forgot some points in my original answer I had done previously. I had to "re-think" my answer out, and I personally felt that it was not as good as the first one I did. I'm just hoping that since EHistory is marked less strictly than SS, I could get slightly better.

Thanks to HX for patiently explaining to me the concept of War in Asia-Pacific, especially when I was so blur and lost about it.

Bio - the paper was much easier than other papers previously done. This was because Ms T and Ms L decided to give us mercy ... (I think they are Bio BFFs.) I studied Bio during the weekend, doing mindmaps that really killed all interest I had in the topic. Anyway, it was on Nutrition and Transport in Plants and respiration, of which the former two I do not enjoy, since it's about plants. I've probably said this for the thousandth time, but I really do not like any Plant Bio topic. Human Bio is so much more interesting, even though there may be more content. Luckily, the paper wasn't as hard as I expected it to be, and I could answer most of the questions. I'm just rather afraid that I may not have used the correct or appropriate keywords, and might get marked down because of that. Bio is one subject that can be really anal, just like EMaths. Sometimes you write 10 words, but just cos 1 word is not there, you don't even get 1 out of 2 marks.

Physics - I think this is the most difficult paper of all the subjects. Everyone had such a great shock at the difficulty; I think no one expected it so. I thought that I would probably do better this time, but seems like it's impossible now. Till now, I still feel that Bio > Phy. Sorry Mr L.

Chem - this is the last paper for me (I know others have PGeog after that), so I really wanted to do well for it. It somewhere in the middle of Bio and Physics in terms of difficulty, I felt. At first I thought I was unable to complete in time, but thankfully it was not the case. The MCQ had some tricky ones, and I spent more than allocated time there. I felt the questions on Organic Chem was easier than the others, maybe it's my bias since I prefer Organic Chem (thus far) to other Chem topics. Although the questions were all on stuff that we've never encountered before like phosgene and methoxymethane, but it was mainly the concepts that counted. So I hope that I could get it correct.

That's more or less about the common tests and papers. Moving on to other stuff.

Some people aren't what you think of them, especially after you get to understand them. We shouldn't judge people too readily just based on what they portray, since sometimes different interpretations lead to different judgements.

The above applied to me this past week, since I changed opinion of someone. I judged the person too fast, and that proved not good for me. I'm glad of the change.

Moving on again to yet other stuff. If you think that I'm not worthy of being your friend, then tell it to me directly. Please don't displace me. What's that supposed to mean? Are you hoping that I would "get the hint" and probably distance myself away? Well then you could start saying that I'm a loner, introvert, socially awkward, and all that. Just tell me. If you're unhappy with what I've done, just tell me. I know I probably have a lot of flaws that I do not recognise, and it would do both of us good to simply highlight it to me. If I do not change, or don't seem to change, then at least it's valid if you displace me.

If not, why must you do such a thing? And even if you want to displace me, could you not do it so? Just take it as a pathetic plea from me, alright?


7 March 2012:

This is a must-watch video.



Yes, it's time to stop Joseph Kony and the Lord's Resistance Army.


6 March 2012:

Today someone said something to me.

At least I have friends, unlike you.

... That got me thinking.

Either (1) I have a decent number of friends, but because I'm too sensitive I feel that no one wants to befriend me; or (2) I have only a handful of friends, other people do not regard my as a friend at all.

Today is a sinx - 1 day. There are "excitements", but it's mainly downcast and depressing for the rest of the day.

TTFN.


2 March 2012:

我心中的石頭放下了。



aboutme.

From Singapore. 20 years of age. Blogs as and when inspiration comes, in British English (and Singlish), Traditional Chinese and (hopefully) Russian. Not a lifestyle blogger, expect posts to be serious, dull or even obscure. I enjoy comedy, in particular British humour.



interests.

[more or less in order] medicine | forensics | theatre | modern world history | typography (including style and grammar) | visual design | Taiji | Chinese language and literature | Mandarin pop (and singing) | Apple products.



typography.

PT Serif for main text and links. Ubuntu Condensed for dates, post titles and sidebar headings. Both fonts from Google Web Fonts.



credits.

singzeon. by Sing Zeon is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International Licence. Pictures used here either come from my Instagram (instagram.com/singzeon) or Google image search. For the latter, I do not own those pictures.



quote.

Hard to love. 認真你就輸了。