singzeon.

(on hiatus)



23 January 2016:

關於雞胸肉

這麼說吧:她平時鮮少出門,常常呆在家裡。所以說,關於買日常用品、吃的喝的,她一無所知。只憑媽媽每個星期去一趟超級市場,她也只偶爾幫忙把買好的東西歸類起來。

你如果要她去回憶第一次碰面的情形,她其實並不清楚一切的一切是如何發生的。只記得她是通過好友D認識他的。D雖然和他認識一會兒,兩人卻也沒發生什麼。當時他們三人——她、D、他——都在同一個部門上班。

那時候,在她和他的相處之下,她越來越覺得他非常的迷人。樣子方面雖然並不是最帥的,可是怎麼看都不會厭倦。身材方面他不是猛男,只不過胸肌是壯了些。她有一次不經意的看到,害她想著那一刻一整天。

他的表情多變,既能認真又能放鬆。偶爾還帶點色色的,但絕不粗俗。他的笑聲很特別,既濃厚又滑稽。她知道,比起韓劇裡的男神,他比不過,不過他——就夠了。不需要完美的一切,他已經是她看過最接近完美的男人了。



很巧的,他和她都被調換到別的部門去,留下D在原有的部門裡。雖然他和她也沒有調到同一個新部門,不過這兩個部門在同一樓,所以再怎麼樣還是能夠碰到彼此的。當時D些許嫉妒,不過也真心祝福兩位在新的部門裡好好工作。

她想:這簡直是天造地設呀。原以為兩人都被調出就無法再看到彼此了,沒想到最終至少還能天天碰面。於是那時起,她便加把勁,開始接近他。想他如此條件優越,無論到哪裡都會有好多女人喜歡吧,她想。

也不知道過了多久,也忘記是他約她還是她約他,總之他們兩個出去吃晚飯去。沒錯,這次沒有D,就是他和她而已。他們也沒去什麼高貴餐廳,因為他們其實都很忙,還得趕回去加班呢。所以,在一間有冷氣的食閣簡單的吃了一下。

那之後,他看了看手錶:其實……是還有些時間可以走一走,要嗎?她要,當然要,不過這個食閣附近沒什麼好逛的,除了一間超級市場。她如此跟她說,沒想到他卻興奮起來!原來他還不知道這裡有個超級市場,而他正想要買東西。

於是他們就去了超級市場。好大啊,他們要是慢慢逛的話肯定得花一兩個鐘頭。她突然記得這個超級市場裡有個冷凍空間,便嚷嚷要去。她是想和他一起進去,感受一下「冬天」的感覺。是很幼稚,不過他答應了。

在去冷凍空間的當兒,他看到一旁的冷凍櫃擺滿雞胸肉。他一下子被吸引過去,開始一個個的仔細研究。他和她解釋好多營養學的東西,可是她卻一知半解。沒關係,看著他那麼認真的解釋,她也就滿足了。

終於他買完了東西,他們兩回到辦公室繼續工作。



他們兩人並沒有正式成為戀人。也沒有特別理由,只不過兩人誰也沒主動。大概就存停於一種曖昧的階段里,友達以上,戀人未滿。可是漸漸地,她開始聽到關於她的傳言——說她從D身邊搶走他,說她接近他是有目的的……

她好亂、好迷茫哦。她曾經問過D,D也說過自己是單身的。那這些傳言到底是怎麼一回事呢?她的自我保護意識啟動了——這陣子,她故意疏遠他,以免再有什麼更難聽的傳言四處飄散,以致影響到他的心情。

而在這當兒,她也發覺怎麼D和他的接觸更為頻密了。自從他們兩人調到另外一樓去,三人沒那麼經常碰面,D和他也沒什麼聯絡。可是這是D和他仿佛是以前那樣,在同一個部門裡,如此頻密的溝通。

後來,她獲知,原來那些傳言是D自己傳出去的。D稱自己和他是一對,她當上了第三者。而他因為不經常和其他人聊天,也沒察覺原來有這些傳言,於是根本不知道整件事。他只知道,她最近疏遠自己,不知為何,也沒特別想知道的意思。



這件事過後,她和他如同變成陌生人。其實她非常想和他說話,只是她深怕只要他們一講起話來D又會搞鬼。她大可以把D叫來,他們三人好好地談一頓。可是最後她退縮了,她不想去打這場仗。

過了一會兒,連陌生人也當習慣了。一開始的確很不容易,每次在走廊上和他擦肩,她都必須看著別處。他依然那麼帥氣,笑容依然燦爛。可惜她看不到,或,不敢看到。可最終,她安排好如何不那麼經常見到他了,就這麼進行下去。

有一次,她和一群同事吃過午飯,有同事提議去那家超級市場,有好料介紹給大家。原來是冷凍空間裡來了一批新的草莓,據說很香很甜,難怪超級市場特別把它儲藏在冷凍空間裡呢。眾同事在裡面分享著關於他們喜歡的草莓。

她平時不吃草莓的。於是她趁他們在討論的當兒,走出冷凍空間。走著走著,來到一個冷凍櫃。裡面擺著好多包雞胸肉,很多不同款式。她拿起其中一包雞胸肉,略略讀了一下包裝上的文字,眼淚就情不自禁的流出來。


3 January 2016:

Deceit and I by R.J. Walker

Deceit and I
have a strictly professional relationship
with benefits
we’ve been seeing each other for years
since before I told my aunt
that her birthday gift was still in the mail
since before I told my bishop
that I never touched myself

But Deceit and I started getting really serious
back in my ambulance days
when we worked together
we hit the sirens
and drove to the trailer park
we called ‘Wyoming’
because nothing good ever happened there

We got the call at 3:00 A.M.
‘Unresponsive infant’
the parents stood over us
large and stiff and weeping
like mountains in spring
shrinking as the snow and ice
melted from their eyes
beneath us a child so cold
and so blue
he could have been winter

Deceit and I did CPR for a lifetime
CPR always lasts a lifetime
but we knew from the beginning
this blue baby boy had been dead
for who knows how long
there was no crib in this one bedroom trailer
these people with mountains for bodies
kept the baby in their own bed
and smothered him in their sleep
what a horror it is
to kill the one you hold close
by holding them close

Deceit handed me the clipboard
and my tongue grew thorns
as I wrote ‘SIDS’ as the chief complaint
and I told a lie the size of god’s hands
as long and as dark as the midnight between stars
‘It’s not your fault’ I lied
‘Sometimes they just stop breathing in the night
we call it “suddent infant death syndrome”
and we don’t know what causes it’

And Mother Mountain fell to her knees
and shrieked so loud
I thought the earth would retreat beneath us
a lie this big could move mountains
but the truth could obliterate them
the truth was a leather belt
tied around a ceiling fan
with mouth wide open
hungry for her neck
the truth was all the whiskey in the world
thirsty for his blood
and a new dead drunk to call home

I can live with the guilt of a life
but I could not live with the guilt of their guilt
so I lied like Cain was in the corner taking notes
‘You made the right decision’ lied the medical director
‘Good job’ lied the nurses on my way out

When I woke up Deceit asked
‘How are you feeling’
‘I’m fine’ I lied
‘Didn’t have nightmares’
‘No’ I lied
‘I slept like a baby’

~

This poem was published as a series of images on Imgur. I was unhappy with its presentation, though, and decided to rearrange it as above. I don't claim to have perfected the presentation but it's just how I prefer to have read it. If you would like to hear Walker read it himself, click here.

TTFN.


25 December 2015:

Все счастливые семьи похожи друг на друга, каждая несчастливая семья несчастлива по-своему.

I went out with T yesterday. A phone call ensued along the way and I truly got to appreciate the beauty of this phrase by Tolstoy. Or, as Cherry said to Ponyboy in The Outsiders, ‘Things are rough all over.’

Recently has been a rather lousy period for me, with multiple internal and external factors adding to it all. (Almost like a history essay’s introduction but it’s real life.) And I realised that most of these factors actually stemmed from procrastination.

(Which, again, really feels like a history essay in which the author traces factors back to a central cause. But I digress.) So off I went to Google about procrastination and ended up reading three articles on Wait But Why.

I must admit that I am a serial procrastinator and it is, in fact, extremely debilitating. However, just like Tim Urban, the author of above-mentioned articles, says it: procrastination isn’t something you can just ‘avoid’ or stop.

I dare not say procrastination is on the same level of mental illness, but it is extremely similar in the sense that chronic procrastination ties in with many other ills like addiction and whatnot.

What Urban did in his articles, very helpfully, was to breakdown why we procrastinate, and how to solve that problem. He makes use of fancy terms like Rational Decision-Maker, Instant Gratification Monkey and Panic Monster to properly explain just that.

I have, in the past, searched for articles on procrastination but I must say that this is by far the most helpful one I’ve encountered. Currently I’m on leave from full-time National Service, and it is in fact the best time to effect change.

(Using the word ‘effect’ here brings back JC memories of how me and J would step-intellectual by debating its usage, whilst our real-intellectual history teacher uses it without fancy.)

For those who do not suffer from procrastination, it is probably very hard to understand what it actually feels like, but a snippet of it would be: you may be decent in your pursuits, but deep down you know extremely well that you are only at 50% of your fullest potential and procrastination is stopping you.

TTFN.

This post was written after I chanced upon two beautifully-written blogs by two guys who are about the same age as me, musing about life and more.


aboutme.

From Singapore. 18 years of age. Blogs as and when inspiration comes, in British English, Traditional Chinese and (hopefully) Russian. Interests (more or less in order): forensics, theatre, Taiji, modern world history, typography (including style and grammar), visual design, Chinese language and literature, singing, sociology, United Kingdom, Apple products.


typography.

PT Serif for main text and links. Ubuntu Condensed for dates, post titles and sidebar headings. Both fonts from Google Web Fonts.


credits.

singzeon. by Sing Zeon is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International Licence. Pictures used here either come from my Instagram (instagram.com/singzeon) or Google image search. For the latter, I do not own those pictures.

lasttime.

start of time < March 2010 < April 2010 < May 2010 < June 2010 < July 2010 < August 2010 < September 2010 < October 2010 < November 2010 < December 2010 < January 2011 < February 2011 < March 2011 < April 2011 < May 2011 < June 2011 < July 2011 < August 2011 < September 2011 < October 2011 < November 2011 < December 2011 < January 2012 < February 2012 < March 2012 < April 2012 < May 2012 < June 2012 < July 2012 < August 2012 < September 2012 < October 2012 < November 2012 < December 2012 < January 2013 < March 2013 < April 2013 < May 2013 < June 2013 < July 2013 < August 2013 < September 2013 < October 2013 < November 2013 < December 2013 < January 2014 < February 2014 < March 2014 < April 2014 < May 2014 < July 2014 < August 2014 < January 2015 < February 2015 < April 2015 < May 2015 < August 2015 < September 2015 < October 2015 < November 2015 < December 2015 < January 2016


總有一天,我一定要寫出一個劇本。