23 January 2016:
3 January 2016:
Deceit and I by R.J. WalkerDeceit and I
have a strictly professional relationship
we’ve been seeing each other for years
since before I told my aunt
that her birthday gift was still in the mail
since before I told my bishop
that I never touched myself
But Deceit and I started getting really serious
back in my ambulance days
when we worked together
we hit the sirens
and drove to the trailer park
we called ‘Wyoming’
because nothing good ever happened there
We got the call at 3:00 A.M.
the parents stood over us
large and stiff and weeping
like mountains in spring
shrinking as the snow and ice
melted from their eyes
beneath us a child so cold
and so blue
he could have been winter
Deceit and I did CPR for a lifetime
CPR always lasts a lifetime
but we knew from the beginning
this blue baby boy had been dead
for who knows how long
there was no crib in this one bedroom trailer
these people with mountains for bodies
kept the baby in their own bed
and smothered him in their sleep
what a horror it is
to kill the one you hold close
by holding them close
Deceit handed me the clipboard
and my tongue grew thorns
as I wrote ‘SIDS’ as the chief complaint
and I told a lie the size of god’s hands
as long and as dark as the midnight between stars
‘It’s not your fault’ I lied
‘Sometimes they just stop breathing in the night
we call it “suddent infant death syndrome”
and we don’t know what causes it’
And Mother Mountain fell to her knees
and shrieked so loud
I thought the earth would retreat beneath us
a lie this big could move mountains
but the truth could obliterate them
the truth was a leather belt
tied around a ceiling fan
with mouth wide open
hungry for her neck
the truth was all the whiskey in the world
thirsty for his blood
and a new dead drunk to call home
I can live with the guilt of a life
but I could not live with the guilt of their guilt
so I lied like Cain was in the corner taking notes
‘You made the right decision’ lied the medical director
‘Good job’ lied the nurses on my way out
When I woke up Deceit asked
‘How are you feeling’
‘I’m fine’ I lied
‘Didn’t have nightmares’
‘No’ I lied
‘I slept like a baby’
This poem was published as a series of images on Imgur. I was unhappy with its presentation, though, and decided to rearrange it as above. I don't claim to have perfected the presentation but it's just how I prefer to have read it. If you would like to hear Walker read it himself, click here.
25 December 2015:
Все счастливые семьи похожи друг на друга, каждая несчастливая семья несчастлива по-своему.I went out with T yesterday. A phone call ensued along the way and I truly got to appreciate the beauty of this phrase by Tolstoy. Or, as Cherry said to Ponyboy in The Outsiders, ‘Things are rough all over.’
Recently has been a rather lousy period for me, with multiple internal and external factors adding to it all. (Almost like a history essay’s introduction but it’s real life.) And I realised that most of these factors actually stemmed from procrastination.
(Which, again, really feels like a history essay in which the author traces factors back to a central cause. But I digress.) So off I went to Google about procrastination and ended up reading three articles on Wait But Why.
I must admit that I am a serial procrastinator and it is, in fact, extremely debilitating. However, just like Tim Urban, the author of above-mentioned articles, says it: procrastination isn’t something you can just ‘avoid’ or stop.
I dare not say procrastination is on the same level of mental illness, but it is extremely similar in the sense that chronic procrastination ties in with many other ills like addiction and whatnot.
What Urban did in his articles, very helpfully, was to breakdown why we procrastinate, and how to solve that problem. He makes use of fancy terms like Rational Decision-Maker, Instant Gratification Monkey and Panic Monster to properly explain just that.
I have, in the past, searched for articles on procrastination but I must say that this is by far the most helpful one I’ve encountered. Currently I’m on leave from full-time National Service, and it is in fact the best time to effect change.
(Using the word ‘effect’ here brings back JC memories of how me and J would step-intellectual by debating its usage, whilst our real-intellectual history teacher uses it without fancy.)
For those who do not suffer from procrastination, it is probably very hard to understand what it actually feels like, but a snippet of it would be: you may be decent in your pursuits, but deep down you know extremely well that you are only at 50% of your fullest potential and procrastination is stopping you.
This post was written after I chanced upon two beautifully-written blogs by two guys who are about the same age as me, musing about life and more.