25 March 2012:
This letter is to you, my friend.
How long have we known each other? I would say a decent 5 years, at least. We've had numerous arguments, plenty of fun moments together, and now, I feel that there's a crack between us again.As of now, it may still be a small crack. It doesn't seem to bother you, if you even noticed it. I noticed it, and I do not want this crack to turn into a fissure that tears our relationship apart.
Truth be told, you're one of the best friends I could ever ask for. Being my friend is challenging: I am unreasonable at times, bossy at times, and lame most of the time. I would understand if you decided to ignore me after a while. You did not, and stayed on by my side.
Technically, you aren't a BFF. (Besides, I don't believe in BFFs.) We do not do everything together. In fact, sometimes we do not see each other for quite a while, sometimes during the holidays. Yet, when we meet each other again, it's as if we never separated at all.
I don't know if you are getting too used to that sense of familiarity until you take it for granted. Or it could simply be that you're trying to leave me now, as what I said above. Maybe, you have had enough of my arsehole attitude.
I am unsure of the reason myself. Of course, I do hope that it's probably just my overreaction, and that you actually are alright with me.
A few things have happened recently. All of it added to the crack that I am alarmed at now. I wonder if you even remember these incidents ...
The first was when I asked you to go watch a performance with me. You stared at me with mild disapproval, and half-jokingly scolded me. Тruth be told, I really wasn't angry or anything yet. I felt that, it was your preference whether or not you would fancy watching a performance. I shouldn't and cannot dictate your actions, so I left it as such. (Although I would prefer that you adopt a much friendlier tone, and not such a gruff one.)
Well, what pulled the trigger, then? It was when I found out you were going to buy tickets. Buy tickets for that same performance that I asked you about. Were you not opposed to it in the first place? What made you change your mind? It turned out to be someone else. You and I both know this person. I immediately felt displaced.
Perhaps, you want to associate more with him, since he has a better personality and all that. I would understand if that's the case. However, why can't you inform me so? How was I supposed to react when I found out you were buying tickets?
Definitely, I was angry. I was very furious, and wanted to confront you adamantly. I felt very indignant, since this was almost humiliation to me. Thankfully, I found out by accident; you were pleasant enough not to do it in front of me.
When you realised that I knew about it, you offered no explanation. I did not see the need to probe anymore, I wanted to let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet. I didn't expect, however, for things to take another downturn.
A few days later, you asked me to buy tickets. It was for another performance. The reason why you were buying tickets was because the same other person was going, and you wanted to as well. I didn't feel too good then. What was this? Why is it that whatever that other person says or does, you would agree and follow? Yet when it came to me, you disregard my feelings and displace me.
I rejected your offer. It was done not to spite you, since you rejected me the first time. It was because (1) I was unable to fork out anymore money to buy tickets; (2) I was unable to go at that time (and it was only one performance); (3) I do not really appreciate that particular genre of art, although I have nothing against it, and people performing it.
This more or less ends the first incident. By this time, I was rather unhappy with you. I am clear that there is a natural reaction to disapprove everything someone does if you dislike him / her, but vice versa. I did not want things to deteriorate until it hit this stage, where I would wreck the relationship further with my cynicism.
Along came the second incident. On that day, I genuinely forgot to ask you to have lunch together, as I would always do. You called me, and we agreed to meet up and eat together after we bought our food. I felt guilty, and specially asked T to reserve a table (since he got his food already) and we could sit together.
However, you were nowhere to be seen after that; it turns out that because of what your lunch partner said, you decided to disregard T and I. I do not have any issues with your partner, in fact I feel that he is an excellent guy that everyone should emulate. What I was unhappy about was that you simply left us out on the remark of what he said.
To pursue further, I also find it funny that you did not even bother to call for us to go over. I should think that was perfectly fine, since the four of us know each other, and there would be no problem. Yet, you did not do so.
In the end, you came over alone, leaving the guy with his other friends. You originally insisted that we should go over (after we called to check where you were), because you wanted to get to know other people that he was mutual friends with. This made me feel all the more certain that I am probably not fit to be with you in your eyes, and you were starting to broaden your social circle.
Please don't get me wrong, I am not asking you to be unsocial and forever stay with me. It would not be correct to do as a friend, and I definitely can't establish control over you. I just do not like the fact that you listen to everything he says, and disregard my (and sometimes other people's ) feelings at the same time. I do not require you to side me forever, but a consensus could be made, couldn't it?
... Our relationship has been getting from bad to worse. I do admit that I did something very bad to you once, and I apologise for that. I understand that you were very flustered and worried about that incident, and it was really wrong of me to do what I did. I was having a mood swing at that time; there were terrible, terrible thoughts that came to me. I did not bother to call you, because I was afraid of anything that could sour the relationship. I wanted to be alone then.
You were very upset with me, and came to talk to me about it. I was still not very calm then, and more or less ignored you then. Although you forgave me very benevolently, I knew that this was one wound dealt to the body of our relationship, just like how the two incidents previously contributed.
At this point, I am at a loss of what to do. I suppose for you, it's probably not much of a big deal. You have many friends. Your personality's very good, and I'm sure many people would certainly be with you willingly. I've come to realise and accept that there are some people that are like you, and some that are like me. You have a flock of friends at your fingertips, and you can easily socialise with people.
Unlike you, I am not so skilled at this. To a certain extent, I am unsocial. This, in the current times now, is no doubtedly foolish of me. I am unable to get a response from people when I require one; I am the kind of person that has to become a follower only.
I am resigned to that. Let's not talk about personality flaws first, shall we? It's of course easy to realise that perhaps if I was less of an arsehole, I would be something like you.
The current situation is as such. Our friendship is hanging by a thin thread. All it takes is a slight incident to slice the thread, and a friendship of more than 5 years would be badly damaged, and possibly ruined soon after.
Personally, I feel that I have tried. Maybe, I am not trying hard enough. Maybe, from your point of view, I was the one being a jerk all this while, and I do not have the right to cause such a fuss. Frankly speaking, I do not know. We do not communicate as much now, it's sad, it really is. We still talk, but it is not like the past. Our topics are becoming awkward and rigid, there is a funny, different atmosphere hovering above the both of us now. No doubt, I have to shoulder a portion of responsibility. Instead, of talking and discussing with you face to face, here I am typing all of it into some space online, with possibly no one to read it.
I am really afraid now. I am in something like a crisis mode, where I have totally no idea of what I should next do. The situation's such that any thing could ignite a terrible blow between the both of us.
... That's about all I have to say, my friend. I know the chances of you reading this is infinitesimal, and typing all this here would not help anything at all. I shall use a very childish and immature response: stick my head into the sand, and see what happens. If things work out, that will definitely be good. If they do not, never mind. I'll find someone like you, my friend. But that would be with great regret, you are assured.