singzeon.


(closed)



19 July 2013:

My working hours are 0745 to 0000 from Mondays to Fridays, 1000 to 2330 on weekends.

There is a common saying that one should never ask a JC student 'How's life?' because once we embark on our tertiary education this thing called 'life' is somehow sucked away from us. Most of the time it's returned after a checkpoint known as A Levels.

Frankly speaking I still don't feel anything towards the JC I am in now. Maybe it's the pace of things, but I feel like I'm in an office environment. Bosses (teachers) would dump tasks (tutorials) down onto us workers and we're supposed to complete it.

I know that the school has a few school events such as the Road Run a few months back. But even through all those activities I still don't feel any sense of belonging to the school. Granted I know people from my CCA, class and etc which makes my life less miserable.

I don't exactly hate school but I guess I dislike the system. Then again I suppose JCs are more or less like that, going on a bullet train kind of diet. Sad thing is you either catch the train or get left on the terminal or wherever you were thrown off.

My history teacher said once that we are full-time students. I guess it's rather true especially at JC level. There's no time for much leisure anymore. Every minute has to be used efficiently with minimum waste.

My JCT results are a true disappointment, being in the bottom 30+% for certain subjects. The only consolation is that I didn't perform as badly as I thought I would, although my results were by no means good.

I am resolute to improving my percentile by the time Promotional Exams come. Of course it's an uphill task since those who did well for JCTs would (mostly) work even harder for Promos. Nevertheless, I shall try hard.

TTFN.

I'm still in shock over how someone who is seen as a role model (and eye candy) by many can be such a bigot. Technically there is free speech and 'to each his own', so I can't impose my views onto him as well. Nevertheless it's quite a pity that such an excellent person 竟然 has such bigotry and prejudice against LGBTs. (I'm not saying that he should be an activist or what not either.) Maybe he was poisoned by ill-willed peers who succeeded in using logical fallacies or red herrings. It's really quite a shock to see that someone like him could adopt such a stance.


17 July 2013:

Profile of a pathetic person.

I have many acquaintances in my school now. As a result I don't have a single true friend that I dare to confide in, and I don't think anyone as of now is actually willing to listen to me.

As for secondary school friends, I can think of a few that are probably willing to do so. However, they are much busier than me and probably have their own set of problems. I don't wish to trouble them further.

“Things are rough all over.” I guess it's true that in life we have ups and downs, and for me currently it's a down period. Or as the maths nerd in me likes to put it, my life is now the graph of y = sinx, π < x < 2π. The thing is that I don't know what x-coordinate I am on now, and if I have already reached the worst point at x = 3π/2.

Since I am a Buddhist I believe in karma. And these few days I've been thinking: could all these things be karma for some bad deeds I've did in the past or in my past life? I probably will never get to know the answer.

I don't know if it's a temporary moody phase, but I fear that my depression has returned. Definitely it makes things worse for me and I become more pessmistic. This, of course, is counterproductive and horrible to deal with.

I really hope, therefore, that it's just due to this short period of stress and not a permanent one. Otherwise I really don't know how I'm going to deal with it. (Okay perhaps I would seek others' help if really need be.)

TTFN.


13 July 2013:

Recently I've adopted a 'don't care' attitude.

Not to studies, but to current affairs. Those who know me would know that I rather love current affairs. Not only do I read frequently to be aware of various happenings, I also engage in debates about it. (Just like with GY back then.)

But recently I've been rather uninterested in it. Various controversial issues have arose in the past months: Shane Todd, hawker centre-town council saga and etc. Yet, I completely skipped those articles when I read about it in newspapers.

N recently asked me about the hawker centre incident. I told her that I didn't care. And that actually surprised myself. Because under normal circumstances, I would probably be most concerned about it, getting to know everything that transpired and forming an opinion.

But no. I was utterly uninterested with it. I viewed it as unnecessary politicking from both sides which should have stopped a long time ago. And of course, I ignored every hint of the issue be it in newspapers or online.

I find it rather ironic, really. Back then I was mocked at or even labelled weird for being so interested in such things. Now, when everyone's warming up to the idea of current affairs mainly for GP's sake, I am shutting off. And that's not the best thing to do, of course.

Because then I may probably lack the most current examples during GP essays. Although it isn't a linear 'if have current examples then will score for GP', I'd like to think the using newest material is most beneficial.

And actually, there's an even bigger issue regarding my disenchantment with current affairs. Mainly, I am losing touch with the rest of Singapore or the world. Back then I at least felt that I knew things, I was slightly more confident in that sense.

Now, I am slightly insecure in the intellectual sense, where what if I don't know the latest things? Personally, I don't really have high opinions of people who don't bother to read up. I won't exactly look down upon such people, but I'll feel their apathy is incorrect.

Yet, it seems like now I'm going to dislike myself. Weird, isn't it. And as a history student, I of course question why. Why am I suddenly so uninterested?

I really can't figure it out, but I suppose maybe it's because of schoolwork. JC workload is markedly more than secondary school where I could have time to actually read newspapers and ponder over issues. Now I barely have the time.

I must confess, though, that I am rather addicted to certain iPhone games from time to time. And yes, what follows is 'If you have the time to play those games, why not use it to read about current affairs?'

I think it's partly because I feel so tired while doing work that I seek instant gratification through those iPhone games. Reading about current affairs requires a certain amount of analysis and thinking-through. I certainly have no intent to do that after a long day of school.

As a result, I turn to iPhone games which give me temporary pleasures and discard my interest (label me all you want) of current affairs that requires a bit of work.

Above all these may be excuses to some people. Ultimately if I really was so passionate about it I think nothing can stop me from reviving that dead interest. I really don't know; and don't really bother to know.

As a side note, I am lagging badly on TIME Magazine issues. I read it furiously during the June holidays to catch up the backlog but now with schoolwork resuming it seems like I'm gonna leave it aside again. I really don't wish to let it all go to waste.

~

I went to watch Cook a Pot of Curry by Alfian Sa'at just now. It definitely did not disappoint me. I was very impressed by almost every aspect of things, even the lighting and sound and set. As a theatre person I guess I notice even more stuff than others.

So yes, I was spazzing over almost everything to those who went with me. Many thanks to putting up with someone so impressed with so many things. But yes, it really was good, I felt. Some compared it to Cooling-Off Day but since I didn't watch that, I couldn't compare.

I really must say the cast was fantastic. They were really superbly natural on stage. For a moment it really felt I was being this eavesdropper on this group of people who were talking amongst themselves. It was that good.

The lighting, too, was good. I don't know how many people actually noticed but there were certain features to the lighting. There was a central circular spotlight. Then there was squared localised lighting. And there was the screen. (Okay that's not exactly lights.)

My main point is that when they did fade outs, it had a particular sequence which made it so aesthetically pleasing. And lighting was used to illustrate an effect at least once. Normally people would overlook lighting in a production but this one deserves plenty of attention.

And how could I forget the set. CW really did a fantastic job out of it. It was simple yet meaningful. The set was rather plain, but precisely that created an intense feeling when mixed with everything else.

Also it was very ingenious of him to use hidden doors. The side panels actually have doors that would open at appropriate times; otherwise the panel would look like one whole piece. And come to think of it, that's rather unique.

Because in a theatre setting normally the stage would just have wings where people just walked in and out. There wasn't things like doors at the side where they were the only points of entrance or exit.

And also the whole atmosphere of the set gives it a very unique setting. This play is unique in the sense that it's an ensemble of various different voices that are being dramatised and represented by six people.

In that sense, it does not have a fixed setting. Or rather, maybe it can be said that there was no setting. Because these tiny snippets are taken for their content; their setting (of the interview) has no associated meaning.

Therefore, how is one supposed to do up a set? In the simplest way ever! The set was like a white box. People entered and exited to grumble and sing songs and lament. It was like Hong Lim Park. Regardless of the nature of the event, the grass and scenery remains the same.

It's almost as if the set is a neutral element in this play. Maybe that was why it was white in colour? (If only I could ask CW, hahah.) It was there like a sort of Hong Lim Park. There's a fixture for anyone to use, which the cast did to their full abilities.

When you're ready you enter, when you're done you exit. Indeed this set has so much meaning and significance, I think people neglect it most of the time, sadly. So really, kudos to CW for coming with such a simple yet meaningful set to complement a splendid production.

~

As we were on our way home, ZH remarked something which made me think about it for long. I had said that I saw people from Ministry of Education coming to watch the play. I don't know if it's in their official capacity or what, but they were pasting tags that revealed their identities.

He said something like 'I wonder how would they react? Because these are all feedback from the people.' Immediately, I thought: is the government watching such plays? Definitely the MOE isn't needed to react or consider such things, it's not their job.

But what about other departments of the government? Or the government in general? Previously the common view is that all these works are merely rubbish or some biased anti-government rantings, at most. Therefore they were to be disregarded.

This time, however, is rather different. The main difference is that this play was conceived from personal interviews that the playwright did. Meaning, these views aren't the playwright's imagination. They are real, genuine views of ordinary citizens!

Therefore, I really would think that the government shouldn't 'don't care' such works any more, if they used to. Otherwise no matter how 'consultative' they become they would still be in their glass dome pretending to know what's going on.

TTFN.


9 July 2013:

昨天去騎腳車時割傷自己。

挺不小心的,竟然在跨腳上去的時候就大力碰到踏板,破皮流血了。不過幸好只是皮外傷,也沒流多少血。

今天看看傷口時,發現傷口已經愈合了。目前還留有傷痕和壞血在表皮上。明天應該就會完全好起來了吧。

這個經歷讓我想起一段話。最初應該從Tumblr起源吧,過後到了Twitter就被人們瘋傳。話說:

每當我們受傷時,身體總是會趕快制止流血,把我們的傷口彌補好。當我們吃安眠藥企圖自殺,肚子會不斷收縮試圖讓我們吐出藥物。

具體的話我記不得,以上是從記憶裡回憶的。我通常都不認同這些「短語」,不過這個我卻覺得非常對、有意思。

從一個生理角度來說,真的,哪個人的身體是讓自己敗壞的?每當遇到傷口、遭到細菌侵犯,身體肯定奮力抵抗。

於是乎,我們的確更應該珍惜這種機會。生命脆弱:說不定明天你身邊的人死去。在那個時候,身體像自救都來不及。

所以,我們更該感謝身體,多次幫助我們。試想:假如我們擦破皮,傷口邊的血不能凝固,會怎麼樣?

我們只會流血過多而死。聽起來不可思議,不過世上真有人這麼活著,體內缺少促凝劑。

就這樣。


1 July 2013:

At home with everyone.

[This article appeared on page A20 of the Straits Times, 1 July 2013. Written by Hsieh Fu Hua, the preseident of the National Council of Social Service.]

Growing up in the 50s and 60s was a fascinating period of my life. I lived in a neighbourhood adjacent to the shanty area of Bukit Ho Swee where people and pigs lived almost side by side; and the district of Queenstown where numerous protests and riots took place.

Lift at home was almost as interesting. Often we had visitors at our three-room Singapore Improvement Trust (SIT) flat from all backgrounds and various walks of life. They included artist, hawker, banker, English professor, Chinese scholar, mechanic, engineer, architect, gangster, policeman, soldier, shaman, monk, pastor and more.

We also hosted travellers from England, Japan, Cambodia, India and so on. My parents welcomed all and we got to meet very different people at first hand.

One of the more memorable visitors who spent time with us was a cross-dresser. He appeared in brightly-coloured cheongsam and thick make-up. My siblings and I enjoyed his company much. We were also struck by his gender-bending behaviour – although we didn’t have the words to describe it then – and his entertaining company.

Perceptions about different sexualities surfaced at school when fellow schoolboys in their puberty years began experiencing their masculinity, or in some cases, femininity. In my class of 40, there were three or four whose expressions of sexuality, unlike the rest of us, were inclined towards being feminine.

They were not called names or labelled in any way. There may have been the occasional teasing but we generally got along without these differences getting in the way.

University life was different. It was uneasy times, I observed, for those with an uncommon sexuality. Homosexuality was now recognised and derided. It was the late 60s.

Whereas young boys who acted in a different manner were accepted by their peers – albeit occasionally teased – it struck me that young adults of university age were more intolerant. This intolerance was harsher on those who were different, more timid and awkward. Ragging during the initiation period on entering university was tougher on those perceived to be somehow more effeminate or different in their sexuality. One schoolmate who appeared effeminate was badly abused by his peers and took his life in his third year.

At work in the 70s and 80s, the issue of homosexuality hardly emerged. Perhaps this was because, in those days, if one were gay, one submerged one’s true self, fearing career discrimination.

I did have a colleague who I learnt, years later, was gay. He behaved rather inexplicably outside work from time to time. He would introduce girlfriends as if they were his dates and later on gave the impression he was married. It was subsequently found out that none of it was true. I understand now that his then-erratic conduct was to cloak his sexuality, which he was anxious not to reveal.

It was not till the turn of the millennium that gay people here started ‘coming out’ or being open about their sexuality.

That might have been something to do with a call by then-Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong for openness and equal opportunity in the civil service for this community.

It was at this time that my wife and I began meeting gay people frequently, at meetings initiated by my retired bishop and good friend.

In the many meetings we attended, we heard them air their issues and angst. They shared their worries that coming out would draw unkind thoughts, funny looks, contemptuous remarks and even ill-treatment.

At home, many had families who expressed negative sentiments about gays, unaware that their gay relatives were hurting silently. Their social circles shrank when friends realised their different sexuality; some distanced themselves and others judged that they needed counselling and correction. Consequently, they stayed away from home, moved out or migrated overseas.

My wife and I heard true voices, observed genuine pain and felt their cut hearts. We did not need to debate the morality or deal with religious doctrines as we witness the truth of their marginalised state. We asked ourselves: what if our children are gay? Would we be ashamed of them? Cast them aside? Or would we still lovingly and proudly embrace them?

We have a range of gay friends and associates today.

My childhood experiences opened my eyes, ears and heart to people of diverse cultures, personalities and sexual orientation.

I realise we are all not that different, varying only in shades. And so it is with our sexuality where I see varying mixes of the masculine and feminine aspects within each of us.

It is human to want to belong, and to want to feel accepted. Many of us who pride ourselves on being kind and considerate people have our own blinkers. It is human nature to view oneself as different, separate and even superior to others. We associate with those who are like us, and feel superior and keep away from others.

Knowingly and unknowingly, we start to distance ourselves from people who are different or from other segments of society. In time, social circles stratify and certain groups end up at the fringe, disavowed, stigmatised and disadvantaged.

Few of us realise that in Singapore, gay people form one such community. While there are some individuals who are open and outspoken about their sexual orientation, there are many others who feel keenly their marginalised situation.

As individuals, our humanity rests on our compassion and relationships and sense of identity with each other. We are one and different. This is how home should and can be.

It is my fervent hope that we can make this country home for all, rich and poor, young and old, well and sick, able and disadvantaged, locals and migrants, regardless of origin, creed, shade and sexual orientation.

When Singaporeans share this bond of Singapore as home for all, then Section 377A which criminalises homosexual acts, will be an issue well behind us.



aboutme.

From Singapore. 20 years of age. Blogs as and when inspiration comes, in British English (and Singlish), Traditional Chinese and (hopefully) Russian. Not a lifestyle blogger, expect posts to be serious, dull or even obscure. I enjoy comedy, in particular British humour.



interests.

[more or less in order] medicine | forensics | theatre | modern world history | typography (including style and grammar) | visual design | Taiji | Chinese language and literature | Mandarin pop (and singing) | Apple products.



typography.

PT Serif for main text and links. Ubuntu Condensed for dates, post titles and sidebar headings. Both fonts from Google Web Fonts.



credits.

singzeon. by Sing Zeon is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International Licence. Pictures used here either come from my Instagram (instagram.com/singzeon) or Google image search. For the latter, I do not own those pictures.



quote.

Hard to love. 認真你就輸了。