3 February 2018:
Today was a low point.
I had possibly the greatest shock in years today. I arrived at the classroom, my hands reached towards my shoulders to let down my bag, and I realised that it wasn’t there. My laptop was in my bag.There was 3 minutes before the start of the lesson, and I spent it re-tracing my steps. Went down to the reception, went up to the library. Nothing. I called M, whom I bumped into, and she said I didn’t seem to be carrying a bag.
I spent the entire lesson worrying about where my bag actually was. Best case scenario was that it was just in my room the whole time; worst case is that I took it off but forgot where I did so.
My lesson ended at 12 and I literally ran off. This was probably seen as rude or aloof by my group members, since I didn’t bother to stay and mingle like the rest did. But I really couldn’t afford to do so.
5 minutes later I was back. I distinctly remember thinking what I should do if I turned the keys and the bag was not there. Thankfully it was. My bag was still on the floor, flap opened, laptop within.
Very dramatic, but I literally slumped on the floor where the door was. It was so very overwhelming; I don’t quite know how to explain what I felt there and then. It was a mix of relief, of guilt, of shame.
~
You know how some people say ‘I need to get my shit together’? I have said it a few times before, but this was definitely the strongest signal yet. The lapse in memory was probably the most shocking ever.
And all this was because I kept procrastinating throughout the week. I’d blame my sleep cycle, but then again I was the sole cause of the sleep cycle dysfunction. So it was really my fault, through and through.
And it was just like in history, the cumulation of multiple contributory factors, leading to a catastrophic failure. Of course, thankfully, nothing severe happened, but still it was potentially severe in consequence.
~
I also nearly sliced my finger with a scalpel today. I will not divulge too much due to confidentiality and professionalism concerns (just in case), but again this was nothing but my fault. And it would have been a bad start indeed.
I am just very grateful that I eventually adopted a much safer practice to prevent my fingers or those of my partner from getting sliced. The scalpel is extremely sharp, and I cannot imagine what may have happened.
~
In terms of being a medical student, I’m sure today was surely filled with no-no moments, undeniably. This is only the beginning of semester 2; I have the rest of the semester, and 4 more years to go.
No patients were directly or indirectly affected by my actions thus far. But as I progress and receive more responsibilities, this may not always be the case. This trust isn’t readily given, and I definitely shouldn’t betray it.
TTFN.