11 March 2016:
I have trust and anxiety issues.
My ORD calculator app tells me I'm 62.6% completed with NS. Excluding cadet days, from Dec 2014 to June 2015, I have spent almost 6 months as a non-trainee. During this period, with less strenuous activities to do and more time, I began to think.And I realised I am experiencing a friendship dearth. Apart from a few groups, I have almost no contact with other friends from secondary school or JC. And although I'm the type that prefers little close friends to many aquaintances, the latter is what I've end up with mainly.
Even during my non-trainee phase, I can't exactly claim to have made many new friends. Perhaps G, yes, but even then I cannot confirm whether he thinks of me as a friend as well. I know many people from various coylines, but then I don't know them personally.
Through a series of occurrences, I ended up sharing with YS about the above and how I'm actually affected by it. That was extremely ironic, considering what happened previously regarding me and him. Again, I am not sure if he considers me as a friend.
Nevertheless, he responded by telling me that I came across as pretentious, in a way that I always seemed fine and problem-free to others. Another point was also about how I seemed to be very impersonal, and as a result people treated me merely as a colleague.
These came as a shock to me. Simply because I didn't consciously portray the above to others, yet apparently that is how it's being perceived.
Upon rationalising this, I attribute this largely to my trust issues. Simply put, due to what happened previously, I am very wary of making new friends. And because I was once 'dumped' (someone whom I regarded as friend actually doesn't think the same), I sometimes close up.
As a result, those who already treat me as a friend may instead think that my actions are indications that I do not want to befriend them. Or, in the first place, they see me as unapproachable hence don't even bother. What a vicious circle.
Another issue that crops up during this period would be that for new / would-be friends, they are very not used to my manner of speech and mean humour. As such, I end up offending them through mis-interpreted jibes.
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The above aside, enter anxiety issues. Whilst it is not as serious as others, my procrastination is largely fuelled by anxiety and fear of failure. I've probably mentioned this previously, but it still is happening. This is very debillitating, as it affects my way of life.
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Conclusion: I am broken, or at least very fractured. I really don't know whether this was self-inflicted or indeed due to external responses. But as YS said, in a play, I would probably play the character Blue.
TTFN.
Post-script: Come to think of it, how many people have I 'fooled' to think that I am perfectly fine? Should I have more easily and readily shared my story? Having done so with YS, I am in some ways more relieved, though nothing was really solved per se. It's more of releasing these pent up thoughts for an airing. At the same time, I also worry that when I do share, the person whom I trusted ends up leaving / disregarding me. I am really hoping that YS is not like that; he has promised so; I believe him; yet the cynic within me still thinks there's a 1% probability that he may simply become strangers (again). Obviously I'd do what I can do prevent it, but what if it happened because of my actions instead?