singzeon.

3 January 2016:

Deceit and I by R.J. Walker

Deceit and I
have a strictly professional relationship
with benefits
we’ve been seeing each other for years
since before I told my aunt
that her birthday gift was still in the mail
since before I told my bishop
that I never touched myself

But Deceit and I started getting really serious
back in my ambulance days
when we worked together
we hit the sirens
and drove to the trailer park
we called ‘Wyoming’
because nothing good ever happened there

We got the call at 3:00 A.M.
‘Unresponsive infant’
the parents stood over us
large and stiff and weeping
like mountains in spring
shrinking as the snow and ice
melted from their eyes
beneath us a child so cold
and so blue
he could have been winter

Deceit and I did CPR for a lifetime
CPR always lasts a lifetime
but we knew from the beginning
this blue baby boy had been dead
for who knows how long
there was no crib in this one bedroom trailer
these people with mountains for bodies
kept the baby in their own bed
and smothered him in their sleep
what a horror it is
to kill the one you hold close
by holding them close

Deceit handed me the clipboard
and my tongue grew thorns
as I wrote ‘SIDS’ as the chief complaint
and I told a lie the size of god’s hands
as long and as dark as the midnight between stars
‘It’s not your fault’ I lied
‘Sometimes they just stop breathing in the night
we call it “suddent infant death syndrome”
and we don’t know what causes it’

And Mother Mountain fell to her knees
and shrieked so loud
I thought the earth would retreat beneath us
a lie this big could move mountains
but the truth could obliterate them
the truth was a leather belt
tied around a ceiling fan
with mouth wide open
hungry for her neck
the truth was all the whiskey in the world
thirsty for his blood
and a new dead drunk to call home

I can live with the guilt of a life
but I could not live with the guilt of their guilt
so I lied like Cain was in the corner taking notes
‘You made the right decision’ lied the medical director
‘Good job’ lied the nurses on my way out

When I woke up Deceit asked
‘How are you feeling’
‘I’m fine’ I lied
‘Didn’t have nightmares’
‘No’ I lied
‘I slept like a baby’

~

This poem was published as a series of images on Imgur. I was unhappy with its presentation, though, and decided to rearrange it as above. I don't claim to have perfected the presentation but it's just how I prefer to have read it. If you would like to hear Walker read it himself, click here.

TTFN.