14 December 2013:
Public service announcement:
The apostrophe is one of the basic punctuations of the English Language. Sadly, many people have been using it wrongly, due to various reasons, one of which is the influence of lazy American English. This PSA is, therefore, based on British English.
Throughout this guide, certain conventions shall be employed. Correct examples of words will be underlined in green, wrong ones are shown in red. Also, typography is considered for the examples, which shall be addressed later as well.
The first and simplest use of an apostrophe is when you are contracting certain words together. This is almost always done during informal settings. Examples include: can’t, you’re and I’m.
As a sample dialogue,
Tom: I can’t pluck my pubic hair out, it’s simply too painful!
John: You’re just a pussy!
Tom: No, I’m serious, it really hurts!
Most people are familiar with this use of the apostrophe and have no problem here. Even when the apostrophe gets omitted, usually online, it’s more due to laziness than a lack of understanding. Therefore, there’s not much problem here.
The second use of an apostrophe is to show possession of an object. Here is when things get a little more complicated, and there are certain ‘rules’ to obey when using an apostrophe for such purposes.
Welcoming back Tom and John,
John: Tom, have you seen David’s bondage machine?
Tom: Yes, I heard it’s really expensive!
John: There’s also a dildo on its side, I wonder why David needs that though …
Here, the bondage machine belongs to David. Therefore, an apostrophe and an ‘s’ is added. The same is true when substituting the ‘bondage machine’ with ‘it’. Since we are still referring to it, there has to be an apostrophe and an ‘s’.
However, when John mentions the dildo, he uses its instead of it’s. This is because the dildo is a characteristic of the machine, but not a possession. As a trick, when in doubt, use ‘it is’ to test for ‘it’s’. If it doesn’t make sense, then it has to be ‘its’.
Tom: Oh wait, if I’m not wrong, the bondage machine wasn’t originally David’s.
John: Yeah, I think it used to be Charles’.
Tom: Now I remember! David took it after Charles died of excessive masturbation!
Again, Tom uses an apostrophe for David because he is still showing possession. The same goes for John, when talking about Charles. Note, though, that an ‘s’ is not added after ‘Charles’. This is because his name ends with ‘s’ already.
Also, if the subject is already plural and yet is in possession of something, then follow the style of ‘Charles’. For example, ‘dogs’ food’ refers to food for all the dogs. The final line doesn’t indicate any possession, hence no apostrophes are used.
Aha! This use of the apostrophe is the one where people trip, and come up with all sorts of wrong variations. Thus, more care should be taken when employing an apostrophe to show plurality.
Generally, plurals do not require apostrophes. For example the plural of apple is apples, not apple’s. It may be mistaken to mean something belonging to an apple. But what if the word isn’t so clear-cut?
John: … I wonder where I can buy more Ds …
Tom: (alarmed) Why would you want more Ds …?
John: Er, nothing!
For the unaware, ‘D’ is an informal abbreviation for ‘dick’. In this case, John wants more than one D, so it has to be plural. Some may make the mistake of putting an apostrophe between ‘D’ and ‘s’: D’s. This is incorrect.
Tom: I really want to get my A for maths.
John: A’s are really hard to get though …
Tom: I wonder if Mdm Tan accepts special services.
The only exception is for ‘A’, mostly used to represent grades. When placed at the start of sentence, the plural may be written as A’s to prevent confusion between the word ‘as’ and the plural of A (grades).
As for other kinds of plurals, generally the rule sticks: no apostrophes unless it gets misleading. This is even for numbers, such as 1s (one side of a die) or 90s (a period of 10 years).
When in doubt, spell it out. Ones and nineties make sense, one’s and ninetie’s do not. Therefore, leave out the apostrophe. And for those who use Twitter, the plural of retweet (RT) is RTs, not RT’s.
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A note on typography: for those of you interested in typography, you’ll be glad to know that I have obeyed typographic rules as well while crafting this PSA. For instance, I’ve used proper apostrophes instead of the ‘typewriter apostrophes’.
Generally, when typesetting, this should be taken into consideration. Typewriter apostrophes should only be used when imitating a typewriter’s print, and by using fonts such as Courier New. Otherwise, it is a big no-no.
One should also be careful not to use a prime symbol by mistake, which looks like a typewriter apostrophe as well. Below is a comparison of the three symbols, in both sans-serif, serif and monospaced fonts.
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Tom: John, do you think that guy in the corner has been typing our conversations?
John: I think he’s been there for quite a while now.
Tom: I’m gonna punch his balls’ off …
No, Tom, ‘balls’ do not possess anything so they don’t require an apostrophe. Instead, I possess my— OW!
… Okay maybe I don’t anymore.
TTFN.