27 January 2013:
How to win in a by-election.Michael Palmer had an erection with the wrong woman. Thus he lost his position and triggered an election. Now that it's over, I shall share how you should campaign to win an election in the future, if you happen to be a candidate.
1. Don't go with the mainstream, do 'online rallies'.
Even though Singapore has never had such things, and not many people really fancy such things, go ahead and use online rallies. From experience, online rally videos can reach viral status of 150000+ views. If those translated into votes, you'd sure win the election.
2. Make sure your videos get 90+% dislikes.
Don't be sad when that happens. In fact, be encouraged. Mainstream media always demonises the online crowd, saying that they are full of vitriol. Therefore, why worry about the large proportion of dislikes you received? On the contrary, this just goes to show you're so well-liked that you gain haters. Sure-win.
3. Join your desired party three weeks beforehand.
Although others would think you're a greenhorn, those who really know you and support you would think this means you're new and full of new ideas! You definitely have what it takes to lead a constituency. So what if you're new?
4. Make sure you're of 'ministerial calibre'.
OMG! Ministerial calibre! How can one not vote for you? Nuff said.
5. Threaten to cancel your rallies at the last minute.
Blame that on a threat of your safety or your family's. Instead of getting negative responses, voters would think you are a responsible family man.
6. Demand that people shalt not vote you based on sympathy.
C'mon! What an insult, isn't it? You already have so many supporters, why should more people give you sympathy votes? So don't worry. You'll surely win it, and without sympathy votes.
7. Say no when you're asked to run as a candidate.
Yes, say no! People won't feel that you're insincere. Instead, they'll think you're careful and considerate. They would believe that you thought hard and long and decided to take the plunge for them voters. For reciprocation, they shall vote you.
8. Make promises then break them.
Go on, tell them about how you're very independent and can cope without your party. Your voters will understand when bigshots start appearing: oh, it must be because you're too busy, so they had to help out.
9. Share on your Facebook page about your leg hair.
Your voters certainly want to know about the status of your leg hair. Therefore, it would be good if you could add that in your posts. And for some, they treat it as best humour material. Either way, voters would be so impressed that start supporting and voting for you. A sample is shown below: (Because the guideline applies in general, I've whitened certain specific elements.)
10. Sing common songs during your rallies.
Why sing crude Hokkien songs like 愛拼才會贏? Instead, sing soothing songs like 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars'. People would interpret it as your party's gentle touch reaching them. They will be so touched! Fast-forward to election day and their votes would be yours. (Again, one party seems to follow my guidelines really well, but I shan't name them.)
And there you have it, 10 points to help you in your campaign. After all, Singapore's politics scene is warming up after a 'new normal', ain't it?