singzeon.

21 April 2012:

Старый друг - лычше новых двух.

The above Russian proverb says that an old friend is better than two new friends. ... Really?

I beg to differ. There are some new friends that are much better than old friends. Some old friends simply disregard you after a while.

You know the feeling of getting pangseh-ed? That sucks. Especially when you're pangseh-ed by one of your closest friends. Yesterday T and I agreed (with six others) to go eat together. I was rather happy. T and I were drifting apart, and finally we get to eat together like last time. Like last time, when after History (since History would always be the period before recess) we would head down with the six of them.

Apparently things have changed. The six of them went to sit elsewhere; I don't really blame them since they are a clique and they found a spot that could only accommodate them.

T, you told me you would look for a place for us to sit together. Where were you after that? You saw M and company. You decided that they were better to be with, and pangseh-ed me without at least telling me. What's this?

What did you say when I asked you? "Go with them, lah. It doesn't matter if I'm there or not." ... I interpret it as you wanting out. You probably just got tired of me and very conveniently pushed me to the six. Previously we went as a pair with them. Now, you brush it off and say it doesn't matter?

Eventually I sat down because H very graciously shifted away. I was really furious. Previously when I was eating with you (or even with the six), we would talk and laugh. Yesterday, I ate in silence. I had nothing to say, and didn't want to say anything anyway.

Your phone was "lost", and you made me call it so that you could look for it. Let's get this straight: you won't bother to consider about me, yet you expect me to immediately to what you request me to do? But called, I did. Then there was no thanks or anything, just taking it for granted perhaps, that it was my duty to accede to your orders.

Why do I say "orders"? I feel like you're not longer asking me to do something, it's more like you're ordering  me, instructing me to do it. I know that as you get closer to a person, you would be less good-mannered towards him/her. But it's different, I feel. S and I are good friends. Sometimes she "orders" me to do things, or I "order" her to, but we both understand that it's because of the closeness. For you, T, I don't feel this way. It's not like I'm asking you to utter 'please' each time you need my help. That's superfluous too. But your attitude ... It just feels different.

~

You're no longer sitting next to me. You've moved to beside GY. Now A is beside me. To me, this is indicative that we are severely fractured already.

Why did you change seats? It's cos I was unbearable, telling lame jokes the whole day. It's cos I talked lots of crap. It's cos you're tired of me. Well, I tried to change. I really tried to stop irritating you with all those jokes, since I could feel that you were not pleased anymore.

I tried to stay silent, and not burst out saying random or weird things. But that was either too little or too late for you, T. So you got A over. I don't talk as much as I do with A now, nor do I tell all those jokes. Partially, it's because I don't want to irritate a second person. But the main reason is probably because I'm not as close to A as I am to you. I won't even feel comfortable telling A all those stuff.

Why would I tell you all those stuff? I felt comfortable around you, and I regarded you as being close to me. Sometimes when your mum was being unreasonable you would lament to me and I would comfort you. Or you would do likewise when I was faced with troubles.

We have sat together for so many months, and helped each other along the way. Are you going to forfeit all that just cos of this flaw of mine that I talk so much crap? Why do I talk so much crap anyway? Do you really want me to talk serious stuff like politics and world affairs? We're so close, that's why I won't be so serious and all that.

It seems like you decided that it was too much for you to take. But in a friendship, isn't it about looking past each other imperfections? Sometimes I am also upset by you, but I would just shrug it off. Everyone has their shortcomings and bad points in their character isn't it? Why is it that I can wave it off but you can't for mine?

~

I am crying now. It's not a single tear, it's streams of it, with mucus and everything. The utterly disgusting kind that normally girls would do. I once said that even when I watch movies or anything, I don't cry. I really don't, even when the scene is so heart-wrenching.

But now, I just did. The last time I cried was because of bad relations in the family. This is the first time I'm crying because of someone not related to me by blood. T, you have the honour of being the first person to bring me to tears.

And I'm not just saying all of this just to act pitiful and score sympathy points. I'm not even trying to gain the sympathy of anyone, alright? There're probably people out there going "oh a guy crying, so pussy". I know, the society's judgemental as it is.

~

You're an old friend, T. And it would really mean old, since I've known you since P3 or P4. We're in the same primary school, now in the same secondary school, and even in the same class. Yet all this has to happen.

To tell you the truth, January and February were the happiest months since 2011. That was when the Four Grains of Rice were together. It's not really a clique, but it's the four of us that sit near each other in class. At that time, T, you were still beside me. The four of us were really noisy, especially during some periods of Physics. Either G or JL would say something funny, T and I would laugh loudly, and Mr L would stop his teaching. Those were the "good old days".

Now you're gone, T. Well, not exactly, but it's no longer within the square. It feels different. I don't talk to A as much. And because A came over, things have became really awkward between the Four Grains of Rice. G and JL no longer turn back to talk anymore, since they're not as close to A as well. It's weird to keep calling G or JL also, since A would feel left out at times. The whole structure has cracked.

~

Y'know in History we analyse the causes of things? No matter how I analyse, I still don't think it's worth it. Why must such a structure be broken up? Why must T and I turn into almost strangers? Why does A have to be displaced as well?

To tell the truth, why A came over and not GY was because GY couldn't tolerate A any longer. GY is tired of dealing with A's lame jokes. Sounds familiar? Precisely. GY and T felt that A and I were suitable for each other, so they pressured A to come over. Actually it is less of GY's fault, since he is like a passive player, simply following how things progress.

T was more of the mastermind, I suppose. T, have you ever thought of how I felt? T, have you ever thought of how A felt? A seems happy and not bothered, but I can tell that he's not too willing as well, since he resisted it once. Yet T wants things his way, GY simply goes with the flow, and A gets displaced by GY as T displaces me.

~

All that shall come to rest. I shall move on, and not be bothered about such changes anymore. If it's not meant to be, it will not. I shall not be so anal anymore, still trying to reconcile anyone.

So much for old friends, though. Maybe it's time to look for new ones ...? Like JQ.

It's true when I say that JQ is the epitome of perfectness. Okay I know that "no one as perfect", but to me she's really stellar.

To JQ:

Sorry for what I said then, alright? I wasn't in the best state of mind then.

I did find it weird why you were always so 'not there' in class. You said that I was so dao, that's why I tried to be more wavey and all that. But then become you like forever not noticing me ... I don't know what canteen thing you're talking about, though.

I still keep the messages, y'know. Since 9 Feb 2012 (I checked, lah). It's weird now that your name is not at the top of my messages list.

I just went through some of the messages ... So much memories eh. Remember #okcan? Remember the number battle? Remember сладких снов, which you called 'snap chop'?

99% of the time I would be the one who messaged you, and you being ever so polite (really without sarcasm) would reply promptly, if not adding a 'sorry late reply'. Then I stopped somewhere end of March. I just felt that I was being a bother, messaging you so many times, and sometimes for no important reason.

I still remember when I had Twitter (and you were not on a hiatus). When you were down I would ask you what's wrong, and all that. Now I'm Twitter-less, so I don't hear from you. I won't know whether you're happy or upset. Even if we met, I won't even know what to say to you.

It suddenly feels so ... empty. Remember Fudan times? Remember the first thing you said to me? (Actually I don't hahah I don't think you would right, siao.) Anyway, it was really some sort of fate that we sat together on the bus rides, and we shared so much. (Like your black horse.)

~

Why would I not trust you? You didn't do anything to let me "not trust" you.

Yeah, you've been flu-ing. Since 2 weeks ago, right? Better get well soon, it's the exams in 4 days time. I'm almost recovered now, thankfully. It's really so nice that you bother to care about me at this period of time. Are you having some friend troubles as well? Don't be so blamey on yourself ... Knowing your character, I really don't think it's your fault. I used to hearken to some of your problems ... I don't know if you would still willingly entrust me with helping you out.

對我來說，現在只是一個小插曲。沒事的，很快便能恢復以前那樣。你說，對吧。

~

送大家孟子的一句話：不挾長，不挾貴，不挾兄弟而友。友也者，友其德也，不可以有挾也。

Oh and to JQ: Thanks for your fourth ':D'. I still count them, but they're so rare now.