13 February 2012:
There's lots of things I want to say.
But can I? I don't think so.As RS put it on Twitter,
There are some things that can be said and cannot be said. There are also some things that can be said, not now, but later. There are also some things that can be said, not by you, but by others.
And that is so true.
One of the reasons why I started a blog is not to blog about my daily life for the most time. It is to express how / what I am feeling towards certain issues. Yet now, I feel like I am under repression.
Of course, there is no physical someone holding me down, stopping me from typing what I have to say. But there's this restraint I have within me.
Sometimes, I do not blog what I actually want to, because I know I might cause conflict amongst me and someone else, or between two other people. I don't want that to happen, although I am pressed to reveal some stuff.
Or sometimes, I don't post exactly, because I am afraid to be misjudged. I easily cause people to misinterpret my viewpoint. And from there, it is a long and abominable process of reversing the impression people have welded in their minds.
Sure, some people would say: "Just f___ it and do what you want." I wish I could do so.
There are some people that I would love to scold. Scold them for being so selfish, materialistic, and manipulative. In the past, I really would have done so. But then people advised me and said I should control my temper. Which I have done so, and hopefully is successful.
But there are times when I certainly cannot stand it anymore. I simply want to scold some people in English, Chinese, Hokkien, or whatever language I can make use of at that moment. That would be for causing me so much trouble and sadness.
If I could, I would also like to apologise to some people. I am not the best friend around, and certainly have made mistakes which inconvenienced / incensed friends around me. So I would want to tell them how sorry I've been. But sometimes, I can't. It's not a pride issue, where I might lose face if I apologised. It's because this whole situation is so intangible, I am afraid of exploding it unnecessarily when I apologise.
I would also like to tell the truth to some people. Sometimes, it's not that I lied to them or anything. I just did not reveal everything. Again, someone would be damned if I revealed everything. But then again, someone else is also damned if I reveal everything. So what can I do?
I recently saw this blog, where the author listed everything out (what she liked / hated) about her friends. She was brutally honest, but for me, I wouldn't mind if I was the target. At least to me, it seemed reasonable; she was not ranting aimlessly, she had reasons or stories to prove her point.
I don't have the courage to do that. I am still very afraid of the repercussions that may arise once I do so. How I wish I could simply express myself.
TTFN.