5 June 2011:
How would I rate myself?
During the camp, there were many activites and challenges to be completed. And it made me think about myself. Think very hard about me, and how I influence others.There was a round of giving either thank-you cards or sorry cards to anyone on the last day. I was not surprised by the number of cards I received. I expected the result even before I started giving the cards.
And I must say, I deserved it. I am in no position to say it was unfair, since I fully knew that with whatever I am doing, I do not deserve any cards.
During the camp, I really did not give my fullest. As a councillor who attended at least 2 other leadership camps prior to this, I was expected to be already equipped with the leadership qualities on the first day. Yet, what did I do? I stuck in my comfort zone, and stayed that way until near day end. Now when I think of it, why did I do such a thing?
I do not know myself. All I can think of is that I am the kind of person you would call 慢熱型. Meaning, I am the kind who get active very late (or something like that). But, as a leader, this shouldn't be the case anymore. I should be the one who is "igniting" these 慢熱 people. I really should solve this psychological issue.
Besides this 慢熱 issue, I also realised on the last night during reflection that I did not contribute much to the group. I really don't have any explanation or excuse to give for this one, which is why I am so guilty right now. It was explicitly stated that this was a leadership camp, yet my performance and behaviour was definitely not one that would suit such a camp. I wouldn't say that I totally slacked, but I knew for myself that I definitely did not contribute much.
Which brings me to the 3rd night of reflection. We were supposed to rate how much we contributed. I rated myself too highly, in retrospect. I suppose this was self-pride acting up at that moment. I really should have adjusted it, although it may not matter now. I wonder how N thought of my self-rating. I am not worried that she would give me a negative evaluation, since this was not what I set out for: a glossy evaluation. What I wanted after the camp was that I could learn something, and influence or change others for the better.
I did achieve the first objective, especially through the lecture sessions during the camp. What about the second objective? Hmm, I cannot give an affirmative.