14 May 2011:
I probably have something like post-exam depression.
I don't know why, but it seems like since I was in Sec 1, there will be this period of time after the MYEs that I will suddenly be very depressed.I will become very depressed, very pessimistic, and very anti-social. I will shirk away from as many gatherings as possible. It baffles me too: what kind of weird pathological disorder am I suffering from? I certainly do hope to have an answer.
For the past few days, there has been a lot of conflict, which I have played a part in making it worse, or being a central character involved. Thinking back, I really didn't need all these drama. But then again, it might have not been futile, since I got to have a closer look at who really would stick with you.
I'm not saying that I am very popular or anything, but previously I used to think that I generally got along quite well with most people. I understand that some people don't like me for whatever reason, but I took it that it's normal for everyone to have haters. Y'know, haters gonna hate.
But no. It wasn't that good for me. On the surface, people were good with me, they talked with me, and etc. When I have troubles, they are nowhere to be found. When I want to talk to someone, be it to pour out everything, or just to kill time, all of them seem to have a cloak of invisibility or something: I can't find them!
All these people are going out with their cliques and all that. I'm okay with it; I don't expect them to always invite me, since I wasn't very close with them, but I really did not need the isolation.
I'm wondering: after reading all this, will there be some guy going "This loser probably deserved it."? Frankly speaking, I don't care. Say whatever you want, label me as a loser, a nerd, a bootlicker. My only response would be "okay". Because, seriously? If I'm gonna listen to all that, I'd probably be committing suicide by now.
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During this period, I also realised how weak are apologies.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, an apology is:
1. A formal justification, in terms of either excuse or defence;
2. An admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret.
I think apologies will lose their meanings if one uses it too often. If you need to frequently apologise, it just means that you keep doing the wrong things, or that the person is very sensetive, so you need to keep apologising so he/she doesn't take offence.
Either way, it doesn't sound good for one party. So maybe after a while what people could do is ... Just shut up. Not saying anything sometimes work better than clarifying and making it worse after that.
TTFN.