17 May 2011:
An explanation to my actions.
What I am gonna say might not be very 中肯 to you; you might think of it more like a story of defence and excuse to shirk responsibility. Either way, I am just going to say everything here, you may be the judge. If you don't accept it and think of it as rubbish, I'm fine with it. But anyway.May I start of to say that at that point of time, I was suffering from a rather bad bout of depression. For the whole time, I was very isolated and down. I turned anti-social. So what I did and said were definitely what I would have done normally. Little things made me very irritated, and I suppose I was especially angry because I felt this was more than a little thing; I cared about it.
Basically, what made me that mad was that I was always ignored. To me, I was being nice and concerned to you. And often, my replies or efforts to communicate were left hanging. Maybe you were busy, or you were simply disregarding my replies. Of course, I don't blame you, since most of my replies were actually very insignificant and "lame". It was sort of replying for the sake of replying. But somehow I felt that I'm doing it because I actually care.
I must say, you misunderstood me on the apology agenda. Or maybe, it was my choice of words that led you to such a basis. I don't feel like debating that now, since it is very irrelevant presently. During those few days, what I experienced was being ignored, followed by apologies. What I meant was: basically, I see no point in the apology. To put it very bluntly, I don't see the meaning behind them. You put it to me that the apology was for me not to get offended. In actual fact, I was already offended, and didn't really cared anymore. So what I am trying to put to you is that: I would rather have you stop doing whatever "hurtful" things that you were doing, instead of apologising.
Of course, maybe I am the only weirdo that dismisses apologies lightly. By normal social convention, an apology is required when a mistake has been made. But they lose their meaning after a while, don't you think so? It would be good manners and that to apologise, however multiple apologies just make people wonder: why would there be so many apologies? Is there something really wrong with either party?
On my post on 14 May, I ended it with
Not saying anything sometimes work better than clarifying and making it worse after that.
In retrospect, I regret the statement. Indeed, this statement would make things seem very negative. I must also admit, that I was in a dejected and angry mood at the time of that post. What I said would have been different if I were not in that particular mood at that time. Personally, I disagree with my own statement. Irony? I prefer to think of it as the difference in attitude and thinking when one is in a differed mental state.
My opinion of you did not change, for a simple reason that you stated as well. We all make mistakes. Definitely, I would not have pinned down so hard on you if not for what I was experiencing those days. (I am, in no sense, blaming you for my bout of depression.) My choice of words in the relevant correspondences were - I must say - very harsh and undeserved of. You need not experience such a treatment. Unfortunately, I had decided rashly and wrongly to be so harsh on you. I understand your stand that we should be more forgiving; maybe I should keep that in note more.
You mentioned
If you are daring enough to say it, then be brave enough to admit it.
I believe your opinion is still that of I asking you a question about why you were so dao. That was not me, by the way. But I did "ask" you a question: the one about your blog's layout. I am not the Number One expert on web semantics and visual design, but being the perfectionist, I felt compelled to point it out to you, albeit slightly rudely.
Lastly, I am not totally a "man of steel". I do have feelings too, right? Although I went all out, I still do care for you. I did bear some anger towards you at the start, but that did subsided. After all, how could I be angry when most of all this was caused by me? So I must say, your implied meaning in your last sentence is rather incorrect to me. But nevertheless, I still appeal for an end to all these unnecessary skirmishes, which I had immaturely created.
Thank you for your time.