singzeon.

1 October 2016:

End times are near.

From the first stanza of W. B. Yeats’ The Second Coming,

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all convinction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

~

What a week this has been.

Following the ecstasy of the previous week, this week has been about disappointment and confusion and insecurity. What a sharp contrast, isn’t it. I’m not going to do another day-by-day recount this time, though.

It hit me on Thursday: end times are near. For fans of Breaking Bad (which I currently am), I’m sure it must be no difficulty recalling the season 4 finale, which (as it happens) is titled End Times. But no, this isn’t just about a name.

Those who have watched the episode would’ve remembered the intense mood. It was almost certain that this time Gus Fring will finally get rid of Walter White. And of course, Jesse’s loyalty finally wavered against Walt.

That’s a show, a fictional episode. But what if I tell you that this was somewhat like what I’m experiencing currently? Of course, it will never be that dramatic but there are strong parallels. And the worst part? I am no Heisenberg.

I once shared my problems with _, and he shared with me how he never faces such issues: through an intense web of manipulation, coercion. Nothing’s illegal, but certainly ethically questionable. To be honest, I’d love to do that if it can solve problems.

Sadly, I am never that skilled. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not (as of now), but I can never come up with intense strategies such as _. So yes, this is one suggestion I will not be able to pull off. I am no Heisenberg.

~

When I mentioned the phrase to S, he thought that I was referring to my ORD. Which, in fact, should be a happy thing. But with things in the state they are currently, I really don’t know how I will react to leaving. My aim was to ensure I left things better than when I came.

But by now, I just feel so worn down by the current state of affairs. E asked me why I was so depressed few days back. I kept mum, but I really had so much to say. Yet, how could I confide in a contributor of my troubles?

I acknowledge that I have no life. Unlike most other guys, I don’t fancy most sports, I don’t play games like Fifa or Overwatch (though I roughly know about them). As such, yes, it is rather hard for me to fit in with most others.

And, as it happens, I like my current job. But then what happens? I become associated as the go-to guy, the one to seek help from when things go wrong. On the positive side, that’s some form of recognition and accomplishment.

On the flip side, I am associated with nothing else. People regard me as a worker, not as a person with feelings, with interests (albeit varied). Just earlier this week, when all I wanted to do was talk casually, E diverted conversation into work.

As much as I love to be around E, I’d rather not talk to him, than talk about work (and nothing but work), especially after work hours. Even though I am a no-lifer, this doesn’t mean I am a 24/7 helpdesk.

And of course this also brings me to the topic of ‘rememberance’. I dare say that I am well-known amongst every command team in every company. Again, it seems like a good sign. But no, because all I become is a troubleshooter.

_ ever told me, frankly and harshly, that people become friends because they have mutual benefits. That is, A has something to gain from B, and B has something to gain from A. I do acknowledge his point, but I really hope it isn’t the case.

~

Earlier this week WK messaged me after a week since we last messaged. He asked me about how I got promoted. Tone was nice and friendly. To be honest, I had absolutely no issue with answering his questions. But that was it.

And this, from someone that promised to ‘update’ and more. Maybe I’m just too uptight about promises, but I get quite affected when people promise something and don’t deliver. If I forced someone to do something, I can still understand if he doesn’t.

But to me, if you promise someone (with no threat or coercion), that you’d better fulfil it. I really don’t know. Is it that nowadays, promises are no longer held as tightly as before? Is it that generally people casually throw promises about?

Or maybe, in a similar fashion as ‘Why did your cheek come hit my hand so hard?’, I should just accept this and be accustomed to disappointment. Learn to treat fulfilled promises as bonuses, and never expect them to happen in the first place.

This is me getting cynical. But with things going the way they are, it’s hard for me to see another way out. That is exactly the whole idea behind 認真你就輸了, a constant reminder to myself (which I still fail to abide).

~

It’s really hard for me not to think that I am treated as nothing more than a troubleshooter, when every day I see countless examples of it. So far, I dare say no one has altruistically befriended me with no other motives. Except maybe G.

Almost every company trainer knows me. Some are closer to me than others. Yet, everyone is nice to me only because they want me to give preferential treatment to their company. There’s nothing about really befriending, just lots of smiles.

This is perhaps a work hazard, but I am really tired of it. I am tired of being led on by people whom I thought was genuinely befriending me, seemingly concerned about me, but then realising they are more interested about getting things done instead.

And at this point, I’d like to say that I am not expecting everyone to be ‘true friends’. I am firmly aware that ultimately, though we are all NSFs, some treat this as nothing more than a job. They just wanna get it over and done with.

Hence, I am perfectly fine if some of them are profesionally corteous and nothing more. There is nothing wrong with simply building professional, amicable work relationships. But what I am really sore about are people who seem to care for you and want to be a friend, when it is nothing but a ploy to make me feel indebted (and hence help them out). Good play, but thankfully I saw through it.

~

So in conclusion: end times are near. Not because I am going to ORD, but because I am so tired from this whole state of affairs and can’t wait to leave everything behind. To justifiably leave people who can’t care less about me as a person with feelings.

Earlier this week, S was saying how he would miss B so dearly, when the two of them have been ‘us against the world’ (his words, not mine) for most of their journey here.

I don’t know how well I hid it, but apart from being happy for him, I was also intensely jealous. I have no buddy to count on, that I can depend on at all times, that I can help out when he is in need too.

I thought I had one previously, but look at how that ended. Till today, that failed mess still has its repercussions. I suppose G and I were buddies for a few months last year, but sadly our environments changed.

And in my current environment, there is no one to ‘count on’. There is no one that will have the same schedule as me, to be able to pass the time with me and keep each other company.

But by now, of course, I have resigned my fate. Through whatever decisions I made back then, and whatever else decisions that others have done, this is how it’s going to end.

I am like Walter White, sitting in his garden waiting to be killed. Only that I have no gun, and definitely no Lily of the Valley plant.

TTFN.