singzeon.

24 September 2016:

What an interesting week it has been . . .

Long-time (ugh, how pretentious) readers would probably know that I generally dislike posts that detail the what-happens of my day / week, but for this post only I’ll do a short one of the past 5 days. Not all details are mentioned, just significant ones that I will mention after that.

Sun, 18 Sept

• Reached camp an hour earlier to settle some stuff.
• Realised that K had booked-in even earlier than me, starts brief text conversation.
• Settled it (thankfully) and went to bunk to change and unpack.
• As I had about half an hour before fall-in, I went up to the bunk where the men bunk at.
• Wanted to meet K in bunk, but realised he was sleeping. No wonder he stopped replying me.
• Instead saw D. Spent the next half hour talking with D about the ‘history’ of the bunk and how things were previously.
• Also briefly mentioned my religious beliefs and how it differed from his. (This was prompted for, certainly not me proselytising.)
• K woke and showed that his hip was somehow hurting more than usual.

Mon, 19 Sept

• Early in the morning, realised that both D and WK were getting posted out. Both postings were fairly satisfactory.
• D ended up rushing as his posting was effective 19 Sept. (He was supposed to have been informed the Fri prior but was not.)
• Very shocked that just a day ago I talked with D one-on-one for the first time and now he’s posting out.
• Relieved that WK is posting out to a good posting in another unit. Was still rather guilty about previously but at least he finally gets a permanent posting.
• Spend at least one hour teasing WK with K about how someone’s gonna be a sergeant after all.
• Decided to go out with WK to celebrate and bid farewell.
• Sort-of excluded K cos I wanted to eat 小籠包, which was not halal.
• Guilty x100 but luckily he was fine with it, since we would go with K tomorrow.
• Went to eat Crystal Jade with WK, burnt a hole in my wallet.
• Thoroughly loved the 小籠包 though.

Tues, 20 Sept

• Settled miscellaneous matters relating to work. Wasn’t in much of a work mood, though.
• Went to eat 18 Chefs with K and WK. HJ followed too, though he previously said he wanted to stay-in to ___.
• Ordered salted egg prawn pasta. Rather expensive but loved it. It was a little jelak towards the end but still lovely.
• Had a really good time with the three of them the whole time.
• Nearly got emotional about how much I’ve been yearning for such good company but never had for months already.
• As I burnt my wallet yesterday, told WK I would pay him next week.

Wed, 21 Sept

• Sort-of remembered it as WK’s final day in the unit.
• Nothing particularly remarkable during the day but tried to treasure the time spent with him.
• Sort-of neglected work again.
• Went to eat with E and somehow ended up walking to mess.
• Had a funny, poignant time with E.
• Again treasured such times.
• Met ex-CMT at mess.
• Mentioned to him about WK’s posting there and got WK an interview.
• Told a shocked WK (and K) about it.
• During the day a work-related conflict popped up. Was texting K about it at night but ended up calling and talking to him about it for an hour or two.

Thurs, 22 Sept

• Didn’t receive any news from WK.
• Not quite affected by WK’s leave as K, who was mopey almost the whole day.
• HJ took off to send his dog to the vet. Teased him about eating dog since he’s such a dog lover.
• Went out for fish soup and back.
• Talked to JG about how my understudy still isn’t here.

Fri, 23 Sept

• Big work-related troubles brewing since yesterday exploded today. Didn’t help that relevant personnel went MIA as usual.
• Just when the big trouble died down, another smaller trouble exploded. Called HJ for help but he didn’t answer.
• Narrowly managed to settle the trouble. Was very, very upset with HJ and his unhelpful absence.
• Talked to him when he finally came.

~

So yes. What an interesting time. But the main part(s) of my week was in fact the company I had and how grateful I am to have them. And then comes my insecurities and how I am so afraid of what may come.

The past week was fantastic and I had fantastic company because there were certain conditions such that I was able to join in. I will not be having the same conditions the next week. Then, what I am going to do?

Also, before WK left, he mentioned that it’s highly possible to meet up again since his new unit is still rather close-by. True, but what if we don’t? Maybe not because he doesn’t want to, but simply because he’s too busy.

All this while WK has been really nice. I am not the easiest to get along with and so I thank his patience. But now that he is in a different place, I really don’t know if he will still be willing to meet up. Again, I don’t blame him if he doesn’t.

~

Ever since I entered NS, I don’t think I’ve really nutured a friendship that I can safely say will last beyond this two years. I certainly hope it’s just me being paranoid, but it seems that way to me. I barely keep in contact with anyone from BMT or SCS.

And then there’s the issue of work-friends. Some people I interact with are really friendly and nice. But beyond work, zero contact. I don’t blame them for it. They probably treat me as a work-friend which is understandable.

But I just think it’s sad that that’s all there is. Even with E, whom so far seems like a nice person to be around. I am highly aware that as it is currently, I am no more than a work-friend. Once I leave, I really won’t be surprised if there won’t be any contact.

~

All this is exactly why I adopted the motto of 認真你就輸了. Previously WK was saying how it wasn’t correct and it could end up hurting others that may actually be also putting in effort. What a dilemma indeed for me.

I really wish I could be like one of those people who really 看得開 when friendships or relationships go poof. Am I just too sentimental and/or emotional? Some people are just able to move on. Is that supposed to be the ideal?

From a Buddhist perspective, indeed ‘nothing is permanent’. But I guess sometimes things are very different in theory than in practice. And this is really one aspect which I struggle with. I can only hope for clarity.

TTFN.