31 March 2016:
Rough time.
If you visited my blog a few days before today, you may have noticed that it was whited-out with a simple 'status update': Rough time. And if you read my previous post, and connected the two together, I suppose it's easy to figure out why.I know that materially I am nowhere near deprivation, but then if one looks at the Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, that's pretty much at the bottom end of the pyramid (which isn't enough). Already at the third level, love & belonging, I fumble badly in this area.
And, as I have mentioned over previous posts, NS isn't exactly a great time for me. Again, I know that comparatively I am 'living a good life' and this I don't deny / complain about. What I would bemoan is that at the end of it, what am I left with?
I truly do not know if, after I ORD, I will still keep in contact with anyone I knew from NS. At the top of my mind, of course I have a few names whom I would very much want to maintain friendships with. However, just because I want to doesn't necessarily mean I can.
Maybe I am too pessimistic, but then various experiences since childhood has made me have low expectations. As such, I would always keep open the possibility of a 'good friend' in NS disappearing after and hence never to contact again.
I have seen many times how people whom I place as first priority, subsequently place my as their second or third or lower priority. As such, I am not surprised if it happens yet again this time. I'll probably just give a little sigh and tell myself 'I told you so'.
AND I may or may not have elaborated on this, but it is this above fear that makes me paralysed when forming new friendships with new people. Then, they perceive me as aloof, which makes them not want to be actual friends.
What a vicious circle, isn't it.
I don't exactly know if what I'm experiencing now can be considered as depression, or perhaps it really is just a 'rough patch' I'm facing. What I do know, however, is that I certainly hope this patch can go away sooner than later.
~
I found the blog of W. I would've said 'my friend, W', but then, as above, I do not even know if he considers me as one. To be honest, back in JC, we barely spoke. In fact yes, I would think it was more acquaintance.
Anyway, I happened to chance upon this blog of his. It is relatively new, hence less than 10 posts in it. There was this part where he analyses the irony of his blogging, which in fact I felt it before: he actually blogs his personal feelings, yet does so on a public platform.
And to W, I will not 'expose' your blog, since that's probably the last thing you want. But then, if it's alright with you, you've gained a reader. A pity your articles don't come as regularly, but then again I'd guess it's because you're living life.
You have friends, true friends, whom you can count on. I must say I'm of course jealous of you, but then I suppose you're deserving of these people whom will stay by your side. Meanwhile, I will continue to search for mine.
Note to self: it's really hard, but try to stop being jealous and over-thinking things. In the past I have over-thought a whole elaborate scenario which dampened my mood greatly, only to bluntly realise how far from the truth my scenario was.
And, a wish: to accurately understand when people are truly angry. Especially to people whom I care a lot, I tend to get very sensitive. As such I may mis-judge their emotions and keep thinking they are upset with me, due to a totally irrelevant body language.
Then I get upset, which in turn makes them upset. Cue vicious circle #2. If only it was this easy to stop such a detrimental behaviour, with an on-off switch maybe. One can only dream . . .
TTFN.