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16 August 2013:

「你愛我嗎?」

他最討厭這個問題。跟女朋友在一起半年了,她大約四個月前開始問這個問題。一直以來他的回答沒差多少,「你說呢?」「你感覺不出嗎?」「哎唷,別肉麻啦。」沒有正視回答,但也沒有確切反對。

女朋友在聽到回答後的反應卻有所改變。起初,女友聽了后會噗嗤一笑,偶爾還會親親他的臉頰。之後女友會有些不耐煩,「難道你不愛我嗎?」皺著眉頭,不太開心。再後來,她更是不爽。「說一句『我愛你』有那麼難嗎!」她直接對他吼道。

而每一次,他卻笑了笑,聳了聳肩,沒繼續說什麼。女友大概脾氣好,很快就氣消了,也沒追究下去。直到有一天,似乎女友覺得受不了了。乾淨俐落地分手;她不希望有個牽腸掛肚。一通電話如下:

「喂?」
「我們分手吧。」
「爲什麽?」他出奇冷靜。對女友來說,他聽到後應該會起碼驚訝。他的冷靜似乎證明了他不愛她了。

「因為你不愛我。」
「我幾時不愛你了?」
「好那你告訴我,爲什麽每次你都不肯說你愛我?爲什麽每次你都逃避問題?」
「……」他一陣安靜。

「你看?你根本不愛我。我都忘了有多少次,我不停地渴望一個回覆,一個簡單的『我愛你』。」
「你忘了。」
「什麽?」
「你忘了。」

「你忘了有多少次,在你傷心的時候我陪在你身邊。朋友背叛你的時候誰不停地安慰你?工作量太重的時候誰給你按摩、揉背、倒水、煮面?有一段日子你跟你媽鬧得很僵,是誰充當和事老把誤會解決了?」

「……」女友不出聲。許久,一聲脆弱的「那……我愛你。」
「不,」他快速回答道,「我不愛你了。」
「爲什麽?」
「因為你不愛我。」他輕鬆地突吐出那幾個字,「再見,陌生人。」他輕輕地結束通話。

那一夜,他覺得,他好愛好愛自己。


11 August 2013:

y = 1/x, x < 0

The four-day holiday was supposed to help me catch up in any lagging schoolwork, take a break and recharge myself for the madness that will ensure in the days leading to the Promotional Exams. (That's about 51 days, by the way.)

Instead, it left me sick, depressed and dejected. Which, if anything, can be represented by the above equation. Three days ago I fell sick; since then things just were awful. I have been sleeping at 10 for two nights already, in an attempt to recover before school reopens.

Till now I still don't know why I fell sick. At first it started with a sore throat, which I thought was due to the heaty food I ate. But then what was a sore throat became a flu attack, with the classic blocked nose, runny nose etc.

I know it's quite an excuse, but because of this I really didn't have the motivation to do any homework at all. On Friday I could still sit at my computer from 2 to 7 typing out a 50-page Written Report (obviously not from scratch though) ... Today I became a wreck.

Being sick and a procrastinator just gives me the perfect excuse to slack. And while I feel guilty, the inertia was too great for me. Nevertheless I completed some maths and history homework along the way. For me to even finish those were a miracle.

~

May I add that I am very annoyed at certain person? They obviously study so much more than others. Yet they often proclaim that they do not study a lot and fret the most about tests or exams. Previously I used to think it was a perception of relativity.

Y'know, maybe they didn't know that actually the amount they studied is more than average. Then I realised, most actually do. So I can't help but think of another reason why they keep saying that.

~

I think my body is somehow programmed to fall sick after a drama production. Which, if it's the case, is utterly horrible for me. It was the case for Twelfth Night and seems to be the case for National Day skit too.

But speaking of National Day skit, I was quite heartened to see that people liked it. I must admit that it wasn't perfect, especially the part where the cast sang Count on Me Singapore. Nevertheless, I truly don't blame the cast, it wasn't exactly their fault.


This skit was my 'directorial debut'. Naturally, I was really anxious for it and wanted it to be the best it could be. My worries were unfounded when I saw the final product on that day. Not perfect, but certainly a very good effort by the cast.

I must say that I'm grateful for such a cast. Sometimes I may be over-bearing and over-demanding but they still are willing to work with me. In fact, they often throw out suggestions on how to make the skit even better.

This is what drama is like. It shouldn't be a one-way thing where directors bark out orders at actors; actors and directors should get together and discuss what would be the best outcome. Therefore I actively practised such a concept.

Of course, there were times where I got really upset with the cast. (In my defence, I wasn't alone in my anger.) At certain points of time some of them had almost zero stage awareness, and that was rather critical towards the skit's success (or any production in general).

At the end of the day, luckily, relations with my cast are not frayed. Ultimately, they are no longer my cast and I'm not their director anymore. We are now all just members of TjDrama, and it certainly wouldn't be good to have such a divide.

~

Because of my drama production, I missed out on some friends' celebrations, which I feel wholly guilty for. I am especially guilty for I, since I didn't even convey birthday wishes to her. Though I did text her after that, I still feel slightly guilty about it.

Production periods are utterly hectic. Besides rehearsals there is normal school time, so basically at the end of the day everyone's tired. As a result I almost went MIA for a period of time, with regard to my social life.

After I's birthday came CW and GY's. LJ and gang was organising a birthday lunch for them and again, I had to give it a miss. It clashed with TAC. At that point of time I really felt horrible. I couldn't give TAC a miss because I was part of Exco and it was compulsory.

As a consolation, Exco agreed that we would have Exco lunch after TAC. Yet, C went off with her old Exco (couldn't really blame her) and the three others had to go to Tampines Mall for one reason or another. So I ate alone at the food centre opposite school.

That was a really, really depressing moment. I probably never felt so awful in a long time. In the food centre I saw people I knew, all eating happily with their CCA mates or other friends. And there was me, eating alone, using a handphone at the same time, pathetically.

~

On the one hand, I value friends' birthday because it's a time to reunite. On the other, I really don't appreciate the value of birthdays. I really think that if one were to live every day to his / her fullest, every day is a 'birthday'. You are alive and kicking and contributing.

~

I don't know how many times people have asked me about it, but I truly don't fancy anyone since I entered TJC. I really don't get it: is it must to fancy someone? It's almost like a rite of passage thing, a 'if A then B' event.

And I absolutely dislike it when people assume I fancy a particular someone, and proceed to tell the person about it. What happens is I am avoided for a period of time, when I don't even know what is happening! It's not helpful at all, since I don't even fancy those people.

~

I have been very lazy with regard to blogging recently. There were actually many things that I had opinions on. Examples include the bald incident, National Day song ... I swear I could have written >1000 words for the former.

But I let my opinions out verbally and somehow I wasn't so inclined to blogging about it anymore. Well too bad. I feel worried, though, because I know my writing (argumentative) isn't that polished, and blogging is a good time to hone my skills.

~

Back in secondary school some teachers used to say, towards the end of Sec 4, that secondary school friends will be dearer than JC friends. Till today I think it is very true. After all, you spend two years more for secondary school friends than JC friends.

And even if you only knew the close secondary school friends at Sec 3, it was a more relaxed environment and people had more time to socialise and get to know each other better. Right now the JC environment is like an office where everyone just works.

Who actually has time to make earnest friends? (Okay, maybe it's only me.) One problem I have is that I have many acquaintances or hi-bye friends. The danger of having too many hi-bye friends is that you think you could depend on them.

I'm not saying that it's their fault. Because we obviously aren't close enough, for both of us to be invested in each other. Therefore if a hi-bye friend leaves in time of need, I actually won't blame him / her. To me it's a reality; not everybody is that altruistic to help everyone.

Which reminds me of Mr C's statement of how humans are selfish. That is really, really true. No matter how many campaigns there are on working together, no matter how schools teach, humans are generally selfish.

This traces back to our evolutionary history, where cavemen fought for survival. Throw in a bit of economics: resources are finite. One deer, two men: survival of the fittest, the victor gets the deer. So it's somehow ingrained in us that we are selfish.

Of course along the way people realised that it may be better to work together. Thus started cooperation and all the movements. But ultimately, in times of life and death, very few will actually sacrifice themselves. I don't think they should be blamed, anyhow.

~


這個世界上,有些人就是這樣:友達以上,戀人未滿。看完漫畫我無比感動。(題外話:要找中國的漫畫非常難!到處都是抄襲的,想找個正統的不容易。)

TTFN.


6 August 2013:

The show must go on.


5 August 2013:

The greatest thing ... is to love and be loved in return.

On Friday night I had a talk with W. It was meant to be a random, no-specific-topic kind but we ventured into the topic of love and stayed on it for the whole time.

Basically, the chat seems to question what was asked during Twelfth Night again. “O, what is love?” There also a Chinese equivalent: 問世間情為何物?

I guess this question may never have an answer. Either that or this question has infinite answers; everybody has their own answer and it may all be correct.

I'm aure if you go online and search, you'll be able to find videos or articles about kids' responses to the question. Most of the time they are aw-inducing.

W mentioned that although he has a few eye candies, thus far he has only loved one person. And it would be hard for him to love someone else in her place.

And somewhere in the chat I asked him what made him so sure that he felt love. He went on about how the girl was so special to him. But I had a different interpretation to it.

My opinion was that you know you love someone when you have this desire to protect her. He said this was as if I'm treating her like an infant.

I suppose our views on love differ. But ultimately we all want to love someone and be loved in return. It is a natural, human reaction that almost all exhibit.

~

A picture has been spreading around Twitter recently. I can't be bothered to find it, but it talks about maths and its sad love stories.

Two straight lines intersect at 1 and only 1 point. Parallel lines seem at pace with each other but never meet. Asymptotes approach but never meet.

Being a maths person this interested me quite a bit. Then I realised a flaw in this 'story'. The original story said asymptotes approach each other then diverges.

Asymptotes approach a function, not a fellow asymptote. Thus, what happens is it approach a limit of the curve. However it never diverges from the limit or curve.

In terms of a love story, this may not be that bad. At least you are constantly getting closer, although you will never meet. It's better than parallel lines.

And of course, if you're lucky, there may be an exception, such as sinx / x. The horizontal asymptote (y = 0) actually cuts through many points for finite x.

So, perhaps it's best to just stay positive. After all, fate will work its way through. There's no point fretting so much at the moment, just be patient, wait and see.

Lastly, some people perhaps just aren't fated to be couples. They're fated to be 戀人未滿,友達以上. Less than couples, more than friends. Or, "it's complicated".

TTFN.


1 August 2013:

It’s been nearly two weeks since I last blogged.

And since then, many things have happened. Today is the 1st of August, which means it’s 62 days to the Promotional Exams and 4 days to show time.

Show time, what show time? On 7 August my school will be celebrating National Day. As with other years, TjDrama would be putting up a skit as a performance. This year I am directing this skit, and I’m really excited for it.

From the start, the club has been rather lucky. Our senior TH came up with a fantastic script, so we didn’t have to brainstorm for new ideas. All that had to be done was to change the script here and there and we were good to go.


Currently the only problem we face is the pacing of the skit, which technically isn’t a new problem. During Twelfth Night pacing issues plagued us nearing show time as well. We did resolve it (mostly) for Twelfth Night, so I’m confident that this one would go fine too.

We shall see how it goes 4 days from now. Break a leg.

~

In some ways I guess I’m rather blessed. I’m able to be doing what I like most of the time. Although occasionally things can get tiring and all, but I’m still glad I’m in TjDrama. The club is definitely not bonded, but at least we get along fine with each other.

And ever since this year I’ve been meddling a lot with theatre, and that makes me really happy. Sometimes I do wonder if it was nature or nurture: do I love theatre so because it’s in my genes or was it because I attended Speech & Drama classes when young?

Maybe it’s a mix of both. Whatever it is, I’m just glad that I’m finally doing drama. I can’t claim to be the most experienced (since others have done it since primary school till now) but at least I do bother to try things out and hone my craft.

And yes, I do think that acting is a craft. Sense 1 of the Oxford Dictionary defines it as ‘the skills in carrying out one’s work’. In the same way, acting has to be perfected. There is no such thing as someone who is naturally best at acting.

There may be some who are born to be more able to mimic others, in a way, which makes the person act better. But without practice even talented people cannot improve. So yes, I’ll try to improve with whatever opportunity I have.

~

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but actually I find crew work rather interesting. And I guess almost every theatre person should understand the importance of crew. Even if you have an A team cast, they are nothing without crew.

Yet it’s real sad that crew normally don’t get much recognition in terms of productions. Even so, I really don’t mind doing crew work. Ultimately they still work hard and help out in the overall effort. To me that’s what matters most.

~

There are some people with a strong sense of victim complex. If you keep on thinking that people are out to get you, you will just wallow in self-pity and never be able to improve. And sometimes the reasoning used just gets more and more absurd. Incredulous.

TTFN.



aboutme.

From Singapore. 20 years of age. Blogs as and when inspiration comes, in British English (and Singlish), Traditional Chinese and (hopefully) Russian. Not a lifestyle blogger, expect posts to be serious, dull or even obscure. I enjoy comedy, in particular British humour.



interests.

[more or less in order] medicine | forensics | theatre | modern world history | typography (including style and grammar) | visual design | Taiji | Chinese language and literature | Mandarin pop (and singing) | Apple products.



typography.

PT Serif for main text and links. Ubuntu Condensed for dates, post titles and sidebar headings. Both fonts from Google Web Fonts.



credits.

singzeon. by Sing Zeon is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International Licence. Pictures used here either come from my Instagram (instagram.com/singzeon) or Google image search. For the latter, I do not own those pictures.



quote.

Hard to love. 認真你就輸了。